Self Therapy

I am craving intellectual stimulation so badly right now. This is why I kept seeing my therapist, even after him having expressed thoughts of me no longer needed therapy. I'm well aware I no longer "need" therapy, but I liked feeling that I had an equal to express my thoughts and feelings to, a sound board if you will, especially when it came to philosophies, theories, and psychology. I know many don't expect a deeper side to me, but I do have one; I loved my philosophy class so much in college, I almost made it my major. Then I realized there is nothing I can do with a philosophy degree.
C'est la vie. 
I guess you can say I'm having a little bit of an identity crisis. I was bugged about a situation, I complained about said situation a little bit, and someone gave me some knowledge that I, at first, enjoyed as it was filled with intrigue. While mulling over this counsel, I realized it hit a nerve of an attribute of myself that I have held with high regard for quite some time, and now, I feel this poignant characteristic may also be the bane root of the aforementioned scenario: mutual interest in dating.
The attribute in question: masculinity (VS femininity). My personality has always been more predominately masculine. In previous conversations, you may have heard me say, 'I may look like a girl, but I don't think or act like one.' I've been described as 'one of the guys' and wore that badge with pride. I take satisfaction in not being like 'other women' as I am rather sexist against my own gender. Over the years, I've also been told by men that I'm 'intimidating' and they were too nervous to ask me out on a date when we were younger. I never put much thought into it as most guys who admitted this to me were never a romantic interest to me, anyway. I am very much attracted to large statures of intelligence, structure, spiritually, confidence, morality, work ethic, integrity..... you get the picture.
Now, having masculine qualities is not a bad thing, but too much in a woman, I'm finding, is not necessarily a good thing. I was forced into a more masculine role having to step up as a parent figure for my siblings, and a spouse figure for my mom because my dad was never around when I was a kid. After my parents divorce, I did all the 'man' jobs. I had no strong male role model in my life growing up, so I became one. Reflecting on my marriage, I'm sure I was emasculating to my ex-husband by not letting him be 'the man'.
From what I hear, men want a feminine woman who is soft, meek, nurturing, etc. I am not those things. I am rough, loud, opinionated, shameless, impulsive, obstinate, etc. You are what you attract, who wants to be with that? I don't. I now see why I struggle with mutual attraction; I want what I'm not.

*insert long, heart wrenching, stone cold, reality check here*

No wonder I don't enjoy dancing; I don't give a man the chance to lead, or take charge because I'm trying to take charge. I have some adjustments to make, and it's going to be a struggle, but hopefully the climb will be worth it.

January Again

Here it is, 1:15 AM and my mind is racing with what the rest of this year has in store for me. I am having something seemingly insignificant happening to me tomorrow, but it has the potential to change everything; and I’m terrified. I haven’t felt this fear in years. Last time I did, I realized I was married to a man who did not care about me or my well being, who forced me into isolation from those I loved, and I was told I may never have children: it was the end of my marriage and the beginning of my venture with PCOS.

I have previously mentioned that I am starting a PCOS study, which is the sum of both my fear and excitement. PCOS, untreated, is basically a mood disorder - among other things. I was untreated for over a year and during that time, I felt psychotic. Part of it was because of my marriage, but I also wonder if it (the PCOS) was caused by my marriage. When untreated, your hormones are significantly imbalanced, which affects emotions, and the emotions emitted are usually negative. Because I had no other options, I opted to take the route that would most regulate me hormonally and emotionally: birth control. Or as my Grandma so lovingly called it, hormone replacement therapy, which really was the true intent of the birth control.

Once regulated, it felt like a night and day difference in my emotions and how I felt about myself. Since then, I have not been suicidal and I have not felt crazy. Though it felt like I was keeping a secret, and in ways, I was. I love that I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in over 3 years, but I also hate it as well. It’s not normal to not have a cycle, and in it’s own way, it’s made me feel a little broken as a female. Additionally, I’ve been afraid for men to find out that I’m “on the pill” because I didn’t want the wrong guy on a date to think he could get away with rape because I can’t get pregnant.

*Take a moment to let that sink in*

To clarify a little bit, I am not actually “on the pill”, I have what is called ‘Nexplanon’.

It is a little implant that goes in my arm. The one that I’ve used is good for 3 years. Currently, I am 7 months into my second one. Tomorrow, I am getting it removed. It is a minor procedure. I am terrified because I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in almost 4 years, I have no idea how my body is going to respond to that. I’m afraid of going back to the Ashley I knew 4 years ago who felt crazy; I don’t know if I am going to lose some of the ‘me’ I am today. I don’t want to go back to that, I was a mess. A bit skinnier back then, but a mess.

I. Am. Scared. I know that things could go downhill. BUT, I also know I can never potentially change for the better without doing this, either. The study may be a success, I might lose some of the burdening weight (both physically and emotionally) that I’ve been carrying the last 4 years. So really, the biggest fear is the unknown.

STORY TIME: In the past, my aura has been described to be like an iron maiden, like from medieval times, but with a twist. Traditionally, it is a torture device used to kill someone.

Mine is a protective mechanism, rather than a torture device. You hear people talk about walls (fear of vulnerability) and needing to ‘tear them down’; well, I’m safely locked inside my iron maiden and the spikes are on the outside preventing anyone from getting close. Only I can let myself out, but I have to trust who I am opening up to, and I have serious trust issues.

This may seem unfair of me to ask for trust when I have difficulty extending it, but here I am asking: These next few weeks are going to be delicate and difficult for me getting my nexplanon removed, if I am easily frustrated, moody, grumpy, sad, depressed, anxious, etc., can you please be patient with me? I know on birth control that I am already a difficult person, without it, I may be more difficult. & if I am, please tell me that I am being irrational and I will try my best to see reason and come around. I realize for some of you, that I may be asking a lot, but I implore you, please seek to have patience with me. Please pray for me. Please be kind and encouraging. Please do not demean or belittle me. Please.

As I said above, I. Am. Scared. I know that things will go how they will supposed to go, according to God’s will. I am trying to have faith in Him, so please have faith in me. Goodnight.

Finished 2:19 am

Here’s to hoping I sleep well tonight.

Have Faith & Endure Well.

Wow, I haven't written on here for a year. I have started many posts, but they are all saved as drafts and haven't seen the light of day. Ever since I launched my other blog 6 months ago, this one has gone on the back burner.
Reading my last post from a year ago, I remember my hopes, I remember the fog of happiness I was in, and in a way, I felt invincible. Unfortunately, 2015 did not have a happy ending, I experienced a lot of loss. My grandpa and step-dad died, Ginny was viciously attacked by another dog - I was traumatized for months, I felt abandoned by the friends I felt I had such close relationships with, and breaking up with the wonderful boyfriend I had was heart breaking.

{The quick version of the story: We got to the point where we started talking about marriage, we prayed about it, and the answer was "No", so we broke up - it was rather difficult for both of us. However, we've been able to maintain a caring relationship for each other and that has been a great comfort.}

A majority of this happened over the summer and I spent the rest of the year unwillingly immersed in work - where I completely lost myself, again, and my depression came back. I started pushing a lot of people away because I'm tired of being hurt. Even today I don't like letting new people in. Dating is my most difficult obstacle, especially after the break up because he treated me the way I deserve to be treated and he understood me in a way no one else in my life ever has (so far); that "No" was devastating. Even though we followed through on that prompting, and did the 'right' thing, I didn't have as much faith in Heavenly Father as I thought I did; I'm actually just now realizing how angry I was and I cut myself off from him.... No wonder my last few months have been trying as I've been battling old habits and temptations.

I loved, I lost, and I learned.

Even though 2016 began with a rough start and I welcomed the new year alone, I can only hope that these changes are for the best and will lead to bigger and better things. This May will mark 3 years since my separation & when I rescued Ginny, and 2 years since the divorce finalized & I got my car. Ginny has been quite the roller coaster, but she has come so far and I couldn't be more proud of her. She was what I needed so I wouldn't dwell on my divorce; taking care of her helped me take care of me and that has been a huge blessing in my life. My car is still going strong and I still love it today just as much as the day I got it (seriously, Best. Car. Ever!). Having a car that has been dependable for all my needs has been a blessing, as well. For without the bad, we can't be as grateful for the good.

I know I have a divine purpose, and I know motherhood is part of that purpose. I hope things start making themselves known so I can start finding my place in life where work, education, and a family are concerned. I've received promptings and small personal revelations of what my future may look like, for the better, and for the worse. If I don't make some changes, I know I won't have the future that holds my beautiful daughter that I've seen in dreams and heard in quiet, spiritual moments. I long for that future. Tonight, in a symbolic way, I feel I received a warning. On the freeway, I pass this business & sign all the time; I'm sure a lot of you do, too.

I've always enjoyed passing the building as it consists of my initials + the G and have laughed at the idea of my future husband having a G last name. Tonight, the R and G flickered, as if Heavenly Father is letting me know that I am starting to run short on time. Me being scared of dating right now could be Satan's subtle way of keeping me away from that beautiful family that I yearn for. The guy Heavenly Father wants me to be with can't wait on me forever and if I take too long to be "ready", I'll miss that ship.

I guess the point of all this is, we need to have faith in the Lord. Holding yourself back holds other people back, too. He knows what's best for all of us, and if we endure a little longer, he'll have something bigger and better for us in store if we're willing to take that leap of faith.

It's hard. I know how hard it is. It can be crushing, but if we hold on to our faith, and not only endure, but endure well, we can go where the Lord wants us to go. 

Have heart, all is well. 

Welcome 2015 & Recap on 2014

2014 was a year of growth, patience, and answers to prayers. Thank you for a good year, I am now prepared for the great year I know 2015 is going to be!

How about a recap of 2014?
*WARNING* Picture overload :)

January

Just in case you wanted to know.....

It's D'artagnan's Birthday :) & he is 2 today!

August has been my month!

This is the last day of August, and I must say, it has been an awesome August! All of the awesome thunderstorms and rain was a BIG plus. School has started back up, but I am not able to go back to school, so I'm doing Institute Choir again. Nightmare is getting ready to start back up and we've had a couple meetings already. In a previous post, I said I wanted to pursue auditioning for Mo Tab, and I submitted my application a couple weeks ago, now I am waiting to hear back! The biggest news of all, I moved out! This has been such an anxiety ridden decision but I know it's the right thing for me. I tried really hard to find roommates and things never worked out. It soon became clear that this is something that I need to do on my own, and that is exactly what I have done. It's just me and the 3 minions. This is all our first time living in an apartment, and it's an adjustment for all of us. I feel like I am on the right track and now I need to put my faith in Heavenly Father that this is all going to work out.
Here's some pictures from my adventure that has been August!

Moving day!

I want a Christ centered home.

Living area.

Kitchen and dining area. 

Bedroom. Itty bitty! (Or I have big furniture)

They seem to comfy in our new home. 

Van Gogh goes where I go.

Application submission day.

I decided to be a brunette again, and I couldn't be happier!

What is a man?

It seems like genuinely good and kind men seem to be fewer and far between nowadays. Guys today appear to want to hold on to their childhood and play all the time. Where are the guys that want to grow up and commit to a woman and cleave to her the rest of their lives? Have a family? Leave the games, partying, and single life behind. We all have our teenage years and early 20s to get this out of systems. 

We supposedly live in a time where it's 'acceptable' for women to pursue men, but it sure doesn't seem that way. There have been a handful of times where I went after a guy and all it did was drive them away, whats a girl to do? Dating seems so daunting because I feel like I'm surrounded by guys who want nothing to do with a divorced woman. Guys my age seem to not exist, either. I already know I have to be OK with dating guys a few years younger than me or guys several years older than me, and I was not easily accepting of this. I also know that dating other divorced men is a possibility as well as them possibly having children, which makes me nervous. The thought of possibly being a step parent slightly terrifies me as I have not had the best step parent experiences in my life.

I guess the better question to ask is, what is a man, to me. I know what I want in a future mate, if it is meant to be anyway. I want a MAN who is unfailingly kind, who would never speak ill of those around him, who looks for the good in others and is humble, not selfish. Who honors honesty and loyalty as much as I do. Someone whose heart, mind, and soul is centered on Christ, who truly loves and honors their ability as an active exerciser and holder of the Priesthood, and loves me as much as they love the Gospel. Lastly, I want someone who is incredibly patient, because heaven knows I'm not! I know I'm a hand full and I need someone willing to put up with/be able to handle me because I'm not easy to deal with. Forgiveness kinda goes hand-in-hand with patience, right? They need to be a good forgiver, too.
No, this does not mean I'm ready to pursue a serious relationship, not right now anyway. I've just learned a lot about myself and my expectations in others over the last couple years. Plus, I already have this adorable duo in my life, I don't need a guy, right? ;)

 *sigh* I love them! D'artagnan is my "boy", my cuddle buddy and Gizmo is my "man", my rock. He has been for years. He's been there for me when no one else has, and yet I know he will not be with me forever. I need someone who will be my rock, who will be by my side no matter what. I believe we've all grown up learning family is, or at least is supposed to be, important. Family is important, but, things change. While I'd like to be with someone who is a family person, letting go of your family you grew up with (to an extent) is part of having your own family; they take precedence. I need to come first, and I want to feel like I am put first. I need to know he has my back. Sometimes the people that your spouse needs to defend you from, is either yours or his family, and trust that they will stand up for you. I hope to find someone respectful, understanding, and supportive of certain aspects of what makes me, me. I'm a hot head. I'm passionate about the things I love as well as things I take very seriously (like politics for example). My words are a great asset as well as a curse for me. When I get excited or upset, sometimes I need to take a step back and breathe for a minute. I need someone who can honor that. (Seriously, or I'll bite your head off.) I am fully aware that my love for horror and the macabre can be overwhelming. I need someone who can put up with it... I understand that the likelihood of me finding someone who loves creepy crap as much as I do, is basically slim to none; so to find someone who can tolerate that part of me is HUGE. Haunted houses and scary movies are my thing. Some people like cliff diving or roller coasters for their adrenaline rush, this is mine. It's also a way for me to release negative emotions and stress. My pets are the only creatures that keep me sane. Someone else who is as equally obsessed with animals as I am is more than welcome! But I somehow manage to be attracted to those who have cat and/or dog allergies, this is no bueno. I can't not have a dog in my life. Yes, I'm a dog person, but I still love cats, too. As important as it is for animals to be in my life is, the one interest that is most important to me, is music. Music has been such a blessing in my life, and I can't think of anything more beautiful than creating music and blessing the lives of others with someone that I'd be sealed to for time and all eternity. I'd love it if they were a singer, but being able to play the piano or another classical instrument (which TOTALLY makes me melt) would be more than welcome as well. I think the last thing that I would enjoy in a future spouse, is someone who makes me laugh. I've dealt with many hard and serious things in my life already and I'd like to spend the rest of my life laughing!

Overall, I want all around genuinely good and kind men in my life. I have some great examples in my life of what these men should be like, and I'm going to keep my standards high, even for friends. For who our friends are, are who we date, and who we date is who we marry, and who we marry become a parent to your children. I want an amazing Priesthood holder who can fill each of these roles and be blessing to more than just myself.