January Again

Here it is, 1:15 AM and my mind is racing with what the rest of this year has in store for me. I am having something seemingly insignificant happening to me tomorrow, but it has the potential to change everything; and I’m terrified. I haven’t felt this fear in years. Last time I did, I realized I was married to a man who did not care about me or my well being, who forced me into isolation from those I loved, and I was told I may never have children: it was the end of my marriage and the beginning of my venture with PCOS.

I have previously mentioned that I am starting a PCOS study, which is the sum of both my fear and excitement. PCOS, untreated, is basically a mood disorder - among other things. I was untreated for over a year and during that time, I felt psychotic. Part of it was because of my marriage, but I also wonder if it (the PCOS) was caused by my marriage. When untreated, your hormones are significantly imbalanced, which affects emotions, and the emotions emitted are usually negative. Because I had no other options, I opted to take the route that would most regulate me hormonally and emotionally: birth control. Or as my Grandma so lovingly called it, hormone replacement therapy, which really was the true intent of the birth control.

Once regulated, it felt like a night and day difference in my emotions and how I felt about myself. Since then, I have not been suicidal and I have not felt crazy. Though it felt like I was keeping a secret, and in ways, I was. I love that I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in over 3 years, but I also hate it as well. It’s not normal to not have a cycle, and in it’s own way, it’s made me feel a little broken as a female. Additionally, I’ve been afraid for men to find out that I’m “on the pill” because I didn’t want the wrong guy on a date to think he could get away with rape because I can’t get pregnant.

*Take a moment to let that sink in*

To clarify a little bit, I am not actually “on the pill”, I have what is called ‘Nexplanon’.

It is a little implant that goes in my arm. The one that I’ve used is good for 3 years. Currently, I am 7 months into my second one. Tomorrow, I am getting it removed. It is a minor procedure. I am terrified because I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in almost 4 years, I have no idea how my body is going to respond to that. I’m afraid of going back to the Ashley I knew 4 years ago who felt crazy; I don’t know if I am going to lose some of the ‘me’ I am today. I don’t want to go back to that, I was a mess. A bit skinnier back then, but a mess.

I. Am. Scared. I know that things could go downhill. BUT, I also know I can never potentially change for the better without doing this, either. The study may be a success, I might lose some of the burdening weight (both physically and emotionally) that I’ve been carrying the last 4 years. So really, the biggest fear is the unknown.

STORY TIME: In the past, my aura has been described to be like an iron maiden, like from medieval times, but with a twist. Traditionally, it is a torture device used to kill someone.

Mine is a protective mechanism, rather than a torture device. You hear people talk about walls (fear of vulnerability) and needing to ‘tear them down’; well, I’m safely locked inside my iron maiden and the spikes are on the outside preventing anyone from getting close. Only I can let myself out, but I have to trust who I am opening up to, and I have serious trust issues.

This may seem unfair of me to ask for trust when I have difficulty extending it, but here I am asking: These next few weeks are going to be delicate and difficult for me getting my nexplanon removed, if I am easily frustrated, moody, grumpy, sad, depressed, anxious, etc., can you please be patient with me? I know on birth control that I am already a difficult person, without it, I may be more difficult. & if I am, please tell me that I am being irrational and I will try my best to see reason and come around. I realize for some of you, that I may be asking a lot, but I implore you, please seek to have patience with me. Please pray for me. Please be kind and encouraging. Please do not demean or belittle me. Please.

As I said above, I. Am. Scared. I know that things will go how they will supposed to go, according to God’s will. I am trying to have faith in Him, so please have faith in me. Goodnight.

Finished 2:19 am

Here’s to hoping I sleep well tonight.

Have Faith & Endure Well.

Wow, I haven't written on here for a year. I have started many posts, but they are all saved as drafts and haven't seen the light of day. Ever since I launched my other blog 6 months ago, this one has gone on the back burner.
Reading my last post from a year ago, I remember my hopes, I remember the fog of happiness I was in, and in a way, I felt invincible. Unfortunately, 2015 did not have a happy ending, I experienced a lot of loss. My grandpa and step-dad died, Ginny was viciously attacked by another dog - I was traumatized for months, I felt abandoned by the friends I felt I had such close relationships with, and breaking up with the wonderful boyfriend I had was heart breaking.

{The quick version of the story: We got to the point where we started talking about marriage, we prayed about it, and the answer was "No", so we broke up - it was rather difficult for both of us. However, we've been able to maintain a caring relationship for each other and that has been a great comfort.}

A majority of this happened over the summer and I spent the rest of the year unwillingly immersed in work - where I completely lost myself, again, and my depression came back. I started pushing a lot of people away because I'm tired of being hurt. Even today I don't like letting new people in. Dating is my most difficult obstacle, especially after the break up because he treated me the way I deserve to be treated and he understood me in a way no one else in my life ever has (so far); that "No" was devastating. Even though we followed through on that prompting, and did the 'right' thing, I didn't have as much faith in Heavenly Father as I thought I did; I'm actually just now realizing how angry I was and I cut myself off from him.... No wonder my last few months have been trying as I've been battling old habits and temptations.

I loved, I lost, and I learned.

Even though 2016 began with a rough start and I welcomed the new year alone, I can only hope that these changes are for the best and will lead to bigger and better things. This May will mark 3 years since my separation & when I rescued Ginny, and 2 years since the divorce finalized & I got my car. Ginny has been quite the roller coaster, but she has come so far and I couldn't be more proud of her. She was what I needed so I wouldn't dwell on my divorce; taking care of her helped me take care of me and that has been a huge blessing in my life. My car is still going strong and I still love it today just as much as the day I got it (seriously, Best. Car. Ever!). Having a car that has been dependable for all my needs has been a blessing, as well. For without the bad, we can't be as grateful for the good.

I know I have a divine purpose, and I know motherhood is part of that purpose. I hope things start making themselves known so I can start finding my place in life where work, education, and a family are concerned. I've received promptings and small personal revelations of what my future may look like, for the better, and for the worse. If I don't make some changes, I know I won't have the future that holds my beautiful daughter that I've seen in dreams and heard in quiet, spiritual moments. I long for that future. Tonight, in a symbolic way, I feel I received a warning. On the freeway, I pass this business & sign all the time; I'm sure a lot of you do, too.

I've always enjoyed passing the building as it consists of my initials + the G and have laughed at the idea of my future husband having a G last name. Tonight, the R and G flickered, as if Heavenly Father is letting me know that I am starting to run short on time. Me being scared of dating right now could be Satan's subtle way of keeping me away from that beautiful family that I yearn for. The guy Heavenly Father wants me to be with can't wait on me forever and if I take too long to be "ready", I'll miss that ship.

I guess the point of all this is, we need to have faith in the Lord. Holding yourself back holds other people back, too. He knows what's best for all of us, and if we endure a little longer, he'll have something bigger and better for us in store if we're willing to take that leap of faith.

It's hard. I know how hard it is. It can be crushing, but if we hold on to our faith, and not only endure, but endure well, we can go where the Lord wants us to go. 

Have heart, all is well.