Have Faith & Endure Well.

Wow, I haven't written on here for a year. I have started many posts, but they are all saved as drafts and haven't seen the light of day. Ever since I launched my other blog 6 months ago, this one has gone on the back burner.
Reading my last post from a year ago, I remember my hopes, I remember the fog of happiness I was in, and in a way, I felt invincible. Unfortunately, 2015 did not have a happy ending, I experienced a lot of loss. My grandpa and step-dad died, Ginny was viciously attacked by another dog - I was traumatized for months, I felt abandoned by the friends I felt I had such close relationships with, and breaking up with the wonderful boyfriend I had was heart breaking.

{The quick version of the story: We got to the point where we started talking about marriage, we prayed about it, and the answer was "No", so we broke up - it was rather difficult for both of us. However, we've been able to maintain a caring relationship for each other and that has been a great comfort.}

A majority of this happened over the summer and I spent the rest of the year unwillingly immersed in work - where I completely lost myself, again, and my depression came back. I started pushing a lot of people away because I'm tired of being hurt. Even today I don't like letting new people in. Dating is my most difficult obstacle, especially after the break up because he treated me the way I deserve to be treated and he understood me in a way no one else in my life ever has (so far); that "No" was devastating. Even though we followed through on that prompting, and did the 'right' thing, I didn't have as much faith in Heavenly Father as I thought I did; I'm actually just now realizing how angry I was and I cut myself off from him.... No wonder my last few months have been trying as I've been battling old habits and temptations.

I loved, I lost, and I learned.

Even though 2016 began with a rough start and I welcomed the new year alone, I can only hope that these changes are for the best and will lead to bigger and better things. This May will mark 3 years since my separation & when I rescued Ginny, and 2 years since the divorce finalized & I got my car. Ginny has been quite the roller coaster, but she has come so far and I couldn't be more proud of her. She was what I needed so I wouldn't dwell on my divorce; taking care of her helped me take care of me and that has been a huge blessing in my life. My car is still going strong and I still love it today just as much as the day I got it (seriously, Best. Car. Ever!). Having a car that has been dependable for all my needs has been a blessing, as well. For without the bad, we can't be as grateful for the good.

I know I have a divine purpose, and I know motherhood is part of that purpose. I hope things start making themselves known so I can start finding my place in life where work, education, and a family are concerned. I've received promptings and small personal revelations of what my future may look like, for the better, and for the worse. If I don't make some changes, I know I won't have the future that holds my beautiful daughter that I've seen in dreams and heard in quiet, spiritual moments. I long for that future. Tonight, in a symbolic way, I feel I received a warning. On the freeway, I pass this business & sign all the time; I'm sure a lot of you do, too.

I've always enjoyed passing the building as it consists of my initials + the G and have laughed at the idea of my future husband having a G last name. Tonight, the R and G flickered, as if Heavenly Father is letting me know that I am starting to run short on time. Me being scared of dating right now could be Satan's subtle way of keeping me away from that beautiful family that I yearn for. The guy Heavenly Father wants me to be with can't wait on me forever and if I take too long to be "ready", I'll miss that ship.

I guess the point of all this is, we need to have faith in the Lord. Holding yourself back holds other people back, too. He knows what's best for all of us, and if we endure a little longer, he'll have something bigger and better for us in store if we're willing to take that leap of faith.

It's hard. I know how hard it is. It can be crushing, but if we hold on to our faith, and not only endure, but endure well, we can go where the Lord wants us to go. 

Have heart, all is well. 

Welcome 2015 & Recap on 2014

2014 was a year of growth, patience, and answers to prayers. Thank you for a good year, I am now prepared for the great year I know 2015 is going to be!

How about a recap of 2014?
*WARNING* Picture overload :)

January

August has been my month!

This is the last day of August, and I must say, it has been an awesome August! All of the awesome thunderstorms and rain was a BIG plus. School has started back up, but I am not able to go back to school, so I'm doing Institute Choir again. Nightmare is getting ready to start back up and we've had a couple meetings already. In a previous post, I said I wanted to pursue auditioning for Mo Tab, and I submitted my application a couple weeks ago, now I am waiting to hear back! The biggest news of all, I moved out! This has been such an anxiety ridden decision but I know it's the right thing for me. I tried really hard to find roommates and things never worked out. It soon became clear that this is something that I need to do on my own, and that is exactly what I have done. It's just me and the 3 minions. This is all our first time living in an apartment, and it's an adjustment for all of us. I feel like I am on the right track and now I need to put my faith in Heavenly Father that this is all going to work out.
Here's some pictures from my adventure that has been August!

Moving day!

I want a Christ centered home.

Living area.

Kitchen and dining area. 

Bedroom. Itty bitty! (Or I have big furniture)

They seem to comfy in our new home. 

Van Gogh goes where I go.

Application submission day.

I decided to be a brunette again, and I couldn't be happier!

Perfect Imperfection

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret..... To start off, I consider myself to be neither positive nor negative, I view myself as realistic. Given the fact that I am also human, I tend to sometimes have overall negativeness or positiveness at certain times. But I tell ya, people who are overly positive all the time, who appear to have a perfect life as if nothing can go wrong, drive. me. insane! A good chunk of it is I'm so used to things not going right in my life, that I handle rough situations better. When things are great, I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I'd almost rather attend a funeral than a wedding! 

This is part of the reason why I don't really read other peoples' blogs anymore. There were so many people I followed a few years ago that seemed to have everything together. I would envy them and their seemingly picture perfect life. I hated it. It's good to write about the good things, but it's good to write about struggles, too. No one grows from the good times. Let me also phrase it another way; have you ever read any of your parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc. journals? What made a better impression on you about their written legends? About how great the good times were? Most likely not. I bet it was how they pushed through and grew from a struggle they had in their life. Why can't we do that today? Appearing to have a "picture perfect life" gets boring after awhile. People become envious and then will want to avoid this person and their lifestyle. You struggle. I struggle. We all have trials at some point in our lives. We grow from those times. We're not perfect, not yet anyway! Why can't we share our imperfections with each other (in a tasteful manner)? We grew from those moments, maybe someone else could see your example and grow, too? If you knew it would help someone, you'd want to share it, right? Let's help each other! 

Talk "Lord, I Believe" by Jeffrey R Holland

Let's embrace our imperfections! Through them, we can become perfect! I am by no means encouraging purposeful bad behavior. I am simply inviting you to correct your misgivings as best you can, allowing it to make you a better person, and to allow others grow from your experiences. 

If it makes you feel any better, my animals are far from perfect! Ginny is rude, D'Artagnan is grumpy, and Gizmo can be a brat; he takes after me ;) Whatever you are going through, you can do it!

Checking things off the list.

This 'list' has been a light of hope for me and a way of measuring how far I've come. I see it almost every day. I have already come such a long way, but I still have quite a ways to go. I wouldn't necessarily say these are things I can check off and walk away from, these are some things I have done and need to continue to do. I've been rediscovering who I am for awhile, and between going to the Temple, to Church, Institute, etc., I'm almost always in Holy Places. Heavenly Father and I do have a closer relationship; I've definitely felt Spiritual arms embrace me, more than once, during the many times I've been down on my knees pleading for guidance when I lost my way, sobbing when I couldn't endure anymore pain, or for some kind of light when I had given up all hope and felt forever lost in darkness from loneliness. I'm pretty sure he still shakes his head and facepalms when he watches me though, but I'm human, right? 

I know I should go to counseling, I'm just not sure why I am avoiding it. There are people I'd like to forgive and seek forgiveness from, but feelings in this area are not mutual, so I need to find closure through other means. I'm still angry and that is something that could also be worked through in counseling. It may also come in handy in the dating department, too. I've been on one date, but all that has done is break the ice; dating still makes me very uneasy. I need to learn to trust guys (for potential close/intimate relationships) again. Most guys are looking for someone to get serious with and all I'm looking for is 2 dates TOPS from the same person. Plus it seems like everyone around me is 18 - 23, and that's been hard to get used to. It's not my intentions, but I'm sure I'll hurt some hearts and some feelings along the way.... I just got out of a committed relationship, and I'm in no rush to get back into another one. 

The road to recovery from a trauma like divorce is long and hard; I'd like to think I'm doing OK. There are many roads before me and I just hope I find the path to happiness that is right for me. 

Hope things are well with you! I'm just now starting to get back on top of my finances, which have been a complete and utter nightmare.... *shudder*. I still enjoy my job, and I'm looking forward to July for many reasons! 

Don't be a stranger!

Enjoy your summer!

Positive Changes of 2014

Hey all! I know it's been a little while. I tend to get lazy, or uh... busy! 

I'm sure most of you know that I have a new job now, but, let me tell you, or show you more about it. To start off, here's a fun and cheesy music video that they did for convention in 2012. It shows the fun atmosphere and it also gives you a little tour, as well. Hope you don't find it too ridiculous ;) 

To the website.

 

That wasn't too bad, right? It was fun and upbeat! :D

Here's some pictures of the building itself.

This place is HUGE, immaculate, and beautiful. The Founder and CEO is amazing and takes care of everyone; her employees, the demonstrators, customers, etc. 

I don't even know where to begin in telling you what we do... there's so much to Stampin' Up!

Here's some pictures, but, it doesn't even do the company justice.

I guess to give you an idea, Stampin' Up! is an M.L.M. company. There are demonstrators who sell the products and hold "parties" or, as we like to refer to them, workshops. You can make cards, gift wrap, ornaments, invitations, scrapbook pages, you name it! 

Now, this is not what I do, I work at the office. I'm a Demonstrator Support Agent. I sit at a desk and take phone calls all day (at least, I will as I'm not finished with training yet) from the Demos who may need help with an order, need to do an exchange, etc. 

I still can't believe how long it took me to get a descent job, but, the timing was perfect. :) I found a great job that has repeatedly been in Utah's top 5 businesses to work for, for years. Even though my mom works at just as an amazing job, she's kinda jealous of mine because we sell awesome products that she wishes she had access to ;) but shhh! don't tell her I said that. ;) :D

 If you can't tell, I'm excited and relieved.

LOVES!!!

Welcome! & Reprise

I figured since I'm on a journey to a new life, that I might as well start with a new blog, too. My old blog is my old life; though it's part of who I am, I don't want to drag it along with me wherever I go, so, here's to a new start!

**********************************

Sorry for the long hiatus everyone, but, it was necessary. Most of you know that my life started going down hill a year ago last December. 2013 has been anything but a kind year to me. Honestly, I'd say that I was seriously mentally unwell for about 9 months of this entire year. All my mental illnesses went from mild/moderate to severe, and I heavily considered suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I admitted myself to a psych ward for almost a week in the beginning of the year and that was a very.... educational and traumatizing experience. I left that place feeling terrified going back out into the world and with more prescriptions than I came in with. Through out the course of the year,  I learned I couldn't trust almost everyone I thought I was close to and I had to start again at ground 0 to build new friendships and relationships. I have been subject, over the course of my life to now, to every form of abuse. Basically ever since March, I've had extreme difficulty finding a descent a stable job. In July, I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, commonly known as P.C.O.S Depending on the severity of the disease, it can render some women completely infertile, and I don't know how severe I am and probably won't know until I want to get pregnant, which is now years away for me.  As you can see, I've had a horrible year.  

As I've had many low points this past year, I've had some high points as well. I am now on only one medication and it has nothing to do with mental illness. I happened to be blessed with a descent job about a month ago, and I love it! I had the opportunity to go to school this semester and I have loved my class! (I'm actually really bummed that the semester is over.) I gratefully never became homeless and hungry because of my wonderful mom and sister being there for me, no matter what, as true family members should be. I also had the opportunity to make one of my dreams come true; I got to work at Nightmare on 13th (a local haunted, haunted house), and be part of the Nightmare crew, but we like to call each other family. :) **as a side note; to get hired at Nightmare,  it's a 4 step audition process, and this was the hardest new hire year they had because so many nightmare veterans returned. So the fact that I got a part there was nothing short of amazing!** Through out the year, I've had a few extremely kind and giving men, that were either complete strangers to me or distant acquaintances, just give me money, and we're not talking 20 dollar bills, either. I've had other kind people fill my gas tank, give me food for my animals when I ran out, and give me gift cards as well. I know I'm missing a few others simply because I'm choosing to not mention them because they are personal to me or they temporarily slipped my mind, but, you get the picture! I've been on the receiving end of great charity and service that I will not forget. Through out my humble circumstances, I feel incredibly blessed, loved, and fortunate in my life. There are some days I forget, but, I'm human; I'm definitely more grateful than not. I happened to also have the opportunity again to work with a man I truly love and admire: Marshall McDonald. If you don't know who he is, I'd suggest you Google and YouTube him right now! He is currently the choir director at the Taylorsville Institute at SLCC's Redwood Campus. He has a day (audition) choir and a night (anyone) choir. I got to be in the day choir for a 3rd time (I've been in this choir on and off for 5 ish years). I had had promptings all year long that I needed to 'seek healing through music', and choir was an answer to prayer. Not only did I have amazing experiences, like meeting/singing for General Authorities in person, I got to meet amazing people. People who I am proud to call my friends. This semester has quite literally changed my life! My circumstances are basically the same, but my outlook has changed because I allowed the Gospel and goodness back in my life. I've been called to seek forgiveness and as of right now, it is currently the biggest challenge I'm working through. If I can walk through hell and come out with no visible damage, and still be able to testify of the Truth and Beauty of the Gospel, then you can do it, too! Remember, Heavenly Father loves you.