Wow, I haven't written on here for a year. I have started many posts, but they are all saved as drafts and haven't seen the light of day. Ever since I launched my other blog 6 months ago, this one has gone on the back burner.
Reading my last post from a year ago, I remember my hopes, I remember the fog of happiness I was in, and in a way, I felt invincible. Unfortunately, 2015 did not have a happy ending, I experienced a lot of loss. My grandpa and step-dad died, Ginny was viciously attacked by another dog - I was traumatized for months, I felt abandoned by the friends I felt I had such close relationships with, and breaking up with the wonderful boyfriend I had was heart breaking.
{The quick version of the story: We got to the point where we started talking about marriage, we prayed about it, and the answer was "No", so we broke up - it was rather difficult for both of us. However, we've been able to maintain a caring relationship for each other and that has been a great comfort.}
A majority of this happened over the summer and I spent the rest of the year unwillingly immersed in work - where I completely lost myself, again, and my depression came back. I started pushing a lot of people away because I'm tired of being hurt. Even today I don't like letting new people in. Dating is my most difficult obstacle, especially after the break up because he treated me the way I deserve to be treated and he understood me in a way no one else in my life ever has (so far); that "No" was devastating. Even though we followed through on that prompting, and did the 'right' thing, I didn't have as much faith in Heavenly Father as I thought I did; I'm actually just now realizing how angry I was and I cut myself off from him.... No wonder my last few months have been trying as I've been battling old habits and temptations.
Reading my last post from a year ago, I remember my hopes, I remember the fog of happiness I was in, and in a way, I felt invincible. Unfortunately, 2015 did not have a happy ending, I experienced a lot of loss. My grandpa and step-dad died, Ginny was viciously attacked by another dog - I was traumatized for months, I felt abandoned by the friends I felt I had such close relationships with, and breaking up with the wonderful boyfriend I had was heart breaking.
{The quick version of the story: We got to the point where we started talking about marriage, we prayed about it, and the answer was "No", so we broke up - it was rather difficult for both of us. However, we've been able to maintain a caring relationship for each other and that has been a great comfort.}
A majority of this happened over the summer and I spent the rest of the year unwillingly immersed in work - where I completely lost myself, again, and my depression came back. I started pushing a lot of people away because I'm tired of being hurt. Even today I don't like letting new people in. Dating is my most difficult obstacle, especially after the break up because he treated me the way I deserve to be treated and he understood me in a way no one else in my life ever has (so far); that "No" was devastating. Even though we followed through on that prompting, and did the 'right' thing, I didn't have as much faith in Heavenly Father as I thought I did; I'm actually just now realizing how angry I was and I cut myself off from him.... No wonder my last few months have been trying as I've been battling old habits and temptations.
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| I loved, I lost, and I learned. |
Even though 2016 began with a rough start and I welcomed the new year alone, I can only hope that these changes are for the best and will lead to bigger and better things. This May will mark 3 years since my separation & when I rescued Ginny, and 2 years since the divorce finalized & I got my car. Ginny has been quite the roller coaster, but she has come so far and I couldn't be more proud of her. She was what I needed so I wouldn't dwell on my divorce; taking care of her helped me take care of me and that has been a huge blessing in my life. My car is still going strong and I still love it today just as much as the day I got it (seriously, Best. Car. Ever!). Having a car that has been dependable for all my needs has been a blessing, as well. For without the bad, we can't be as grateful for the good.
I know I have a divine purpose, and I know motherhood is part of that purpose. I hope things start making themselves known so I can start finding my place in life where work, education, and a family are concerned. I've received promptings and small personal revelations of what my future may look like, for the better, and for the worse. If I don't make some changes, I know I won't have the future that holds my beautiful daughter that I've seen in dreams and heard in quiet, spiritual moments. I long for that future. Tonight, in a symbolic way, I feel I received a warning. On the freeway, I pass this business & sign all the time; I'm sure a lot of you do, too.
I've always enjoyed passing the building as it consists of my initials + the G and have laughed at the idea of my future husband having a G last name. Tonight, the R and G flickered, as if Heavenly Father is letting me know that I am starting to run short on time. Me being scared of dating right now could be Satan's subtle way of keeping me away from that beautiful family that I yearn for. The guy Heavenly Father wants me to be with can't wait on me forever and if I take too long to be "ready", I'll miss that ship.
I guess the point of all this is, we need to have faith in the Lord. Holding yourself back holds other people back, too. He knows what's best for all of us, and if we endure a little longer, he'll have something bigger and better for us in store if we're willing to take that leap of faith.
It's hard. I know how hard it is. It can be crushing, but if we hold on to our faith, and not only endure, but endure well, we can go where the Lord wants us to go.
Have heart, all is well.
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