Self Therapy

I am craving intellectual stimulation so badly right now. This is why I kept seeing my therapist, even after him having expressed thoughts of me no longer needed therapy. I'm well aware I no longer "need" therapy, but I liked feeling that I had an equal to express my thoughts and feelings to, a sound board if you will, especially when it came to philosophies, theories, and psychology. I know many don't expect a deeper side to me, but I do have one; I loved my philosophy class so much in college, I almost made it my major. Then I realized there is nothing I can do with a philosophy degree.
C'est la vie. 
I guess you can say I'm having a little bit of an identity crisis. I was bugged about a situation, I complained about said situation a little bit, and someone gave me some knowledge that I, at first, enjoyed as it was filled with intrigue. While mulling over this counsel, I realized it hit a nerve of an attribute of myself that I have held with high regard for quite some time, and now, I feel this poignant characteristic may also be the bane root of the aforementioned scenario: mutual interest in dating.
The attribute in question: masculinity (VS femininity). My personality has always been more predominately masculine. In previous conversations, you may have heard me say, 'I may look like a girl, but I don't think or act like one.' I've been described as 'one of the guys' and wore that badge with pride. I take satisfaction in not being like 'other women' as I am rather sexist against my own gender. Over the years, I've also been told by men that I'm 'intimidating' and they were too nervous to ask me out on a date when we were younger. I never put much thought into it as most guys who admitted this to me were never a romantic interest to me, anyway. I am very much attracted to large statures of intelligence, structure, spiritually, confidence, morality, work ethic, integrity..... you get the picture.
Now, having masculine qualities is not a bad thing, but too much in a woman, I'm finding, is not necessarily a good thing. I was forced into a more masculine role having to step up as a parent figure for my siblings, and a spouse figure for my mom because my dad was never around when I was a kid. After my parents divorce, I did all the 'man' jobs. I had no strong male role model in my life growing up, so I became one. Reflecting on my marriage, I'm sure I was emasculating to my ex-husband by not letting him be 'the man'.
From what I hear, men want a feminine woman who is soft, meek, nurturing, etc. I am not those things. I am rough, loud, opinionated, shameless, impulsive, obstinate, etc. You are what you attract, who wants to be with that? I don't. I now see why I struggle with mutual attraction; I want what I'm not.

*insert long, heart wrenching, stone cold, reality check here*

No wonder I don't enjoy dancing; I don't give a man the chance to lead, or take charge because I'm trying to take charge. I have some adjustments to make, and it's going to be a struggle, but hopefully the climb will be worth it.

January Again

Here it is, 1:15 AM and my mind is racing with what the rest of this year has in store for me. I am having something seemingly insignificant happening to me tomorrow, but it has the potential to change everything; and I’m terrified. I haven’t felt this fear in years. Last time I did, I realized I was married to a man who did not care about me or my well being, who forced me into isolation from those I loved, and I was told I may never have children: it was the end of my marriage and the beginning of my venture with PCOS.

I have previously mentioned that I am starting a PCOS study, which is the sum of both my fear and excitement. PCOS, untreated, is basically a mood disorder - among other things. I was untreated for over a year and during that time, I felt psychotic. Part of it was because of my marriage, but I also wonder if it (the PCOS) was caused by my marriage. When untreated, your hormones are significantly imbalanced, which affects emotions, and the emotions emitted are usually negative. Because I had no other options, I opted to take the route that would most regulate me hormonally and emotionally: birth control. Or as my Grandma so lovingly called it, hormone replacement therapy, which really was the true intent of the birth control.

Once regulated, it felt like a night and day difference in my emotions and how I felt about myself. Since then, I have not been suicidal and I have not felt crazy. Though it felt like I was keeping a secret, and in ways, I was. I love that I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in over 3 years, but I also hate it as well. It’s not normal to not have a cycle, and in it’s own way, it’s made me feel a little broken as a female. Additionally, I’ve been afraid for men to find out that I’m “on the pill” because I didn’t want the wrong guy on a date to think he could get away with rape because I can’t get pregnant.

*Take a moment to let that sink in*

To clarify a little bit, I am not actually “on the pill”, I have what is called ‘Nexplanon’.

It is a little implant that goes in my arm. The one that I’ve used is good for 3 years. Currently, I am 7 months into my second one. Tomorrow, I am getting it removed. It is a minor procedure. I am terrified because I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in almost 4 years, I have no idea how my body is going to respond to that. I’m afraid of going back to the Ashley I knew 4 years ago who felt crazy; I don’t know if I am going to lose some of the ‘me’ I am today. I don’t want to go back to that, I was a mess. A bit skinnier back then, but a mess.

I. Am. Scared. I know that things could go downhill. BUT, I also know I can never potentially change for the better without doing this, either. The study may be a success, I might lose some of the burdening weight (both physically and emotionally) that I’ve been carrying the last 4 years. So really, the biggest fear is the unknown.

STORY TIME: In the past, my aura has been described to be like an iron maiden, like from medieval times, but with a twist. Traditionally, it is a torture device used to kill someone.

Mine is a protective mechanism, rather than a torture device. You hear people talk about walls (fear of vulnerability) and needing to ‘tear them down’; well, I’m safely locked inside my iron maiden and the spikes are on the outside preventing anyone from getting close. Only I can let myself out, but I have to trust who I am opening up to, and I have serious trust issues.

This may seem unfair of me to ask for trust when I have difficulty extending it, but here I am asking: These next few weeks are going to be delicate and difficult for me getting my nexplanon removed, if I am easily frustrated, moody, grumpy, sad, depressed, anxious, etc., can you please be patient with me? I know on birth control that I am already a difficult person, without it, I may be more difficult. & if I am, please tell me that I am being irrational and I will try my best to see reason and come around. I realize for some of you, that I may be asking a lot, but I implore you, please seek to have patience with me. Please pray for me. Please be kind and encouraging. Please do not demean or belittle me. Please.

As I said above, I. Am. Scared. I know that things will go how they will supposed to go, according to God’s will. I am trying to have faith in Him, so please have faith in me. Goodnight.

Finished 2:19 am

Here’s to hoping I sleep well tonight.

Have Faith & Endure Well.

Wow, I haven't written on here for a year. I have started many posts, but they are all saved as drafts and haven't seen the light of day. Ever since I launched my other blog 6 months ago, this one has gone on the back burner.
Reading my last post from a year ago, I remember my hopes, I remember the fog of happiness I was in, and in a way, I felt invincible. Unfortunately, 2015 did not have a happy ending, I experienced a lot of loss. My grandpa and step-dad died, Ginny was viciously attacked by another dog - I was traumatized for months, I felt abandoned by the friends I felt I had such close relationships with, and breaking up with the wonderful boyfriend I had was heart breaking.

{The quick version of the story: We got to the point where we started talking about marriage, we prayed about it, and the answer was "No", so we broke up - it was rather difficult for both of us. However, we've been able to maintain a caring relationship for each other and that has been a great comfort.}

A majority of this happened over the summer and I spent the rest of the year unwillingly immersed in work - where I completely lost myself, again, and my depression came back. I started pushing a lot of people away because I'm tired of being hurt. Even today I don't like letting new people in. Dating is my most difficult obstacle, especially after the break up because he treated me the way I deserve to be treated and he understood me in a way no one else in my life ever has (so far); that "No" was devastating. Even though we followed through on that prompting, and did the 'right' thing, I didn't have as much faith in Heavenly Father as I thought I did; I'm actually just now realizing how angry I was and I cut myself off from him.... No wonder my last few months have been trying as I've been battling old habits and temptations.

I loved, I lost, and I learned.

Even though 2016 began with a rough start and I welcomed the new year alone, I can only hope that these changes are for the best and will lead to bigger and better things. This May will mark 3 years since my separation & when I rescued Ginny, and 2 years since the divorce finalized & I got my car. Ginny has been quite the roller coaster, but she has come so far and I couldn't be more proud of her. She was what I needed so I wouldn't dwell on my divorce; taking care of her helped me take care of me and that has been a huge blessing in my life. My car is still going strong and I still love it today just as much as the day I got it (seriously, Best. Car. Ever!). Having a car that has been dependable for all my needs has been a blessing, as well. For without the bad, we can't be as grateful for the good.

I know I have a divine purpose, and I know motherhood is part of that purpose. I hope things start making themselves known so I can start finding my place in life where work, education, and a family are concerned. I've received promptings and small personal revelations of what my future may look like, for the better, and for the worse. If I don't make some changes, I know I won't have the future that holds my beautiful daughter that I've seen in dreams and heard in quiet, spiritual moments. I long for that future. Tonight, in a symbolic way, I feel I received a warning. On the freeway, I pass this business & sign all the time; I'm sure a lot of you do, too.

I've always enjoyed passing the building as it consists of my initials + the G and have laughed at the idea of my future husband having a G last name. Tonight, the R and G flickered, as if Heavenly Father is letting me know that I am starting to run short on time. Me being scared of dating right now could be Satan's subtle way of keeping me away from that beautiful family that I yearn for. The guy Heavenly Father wants me to be with can't wait on me forever and if I take too long to be "ready", I'll miss that ship.

I guess the point of all this is, we need to have faith in the Lord. Holding yourself back holds other people back, too. He knows what's best for all of us, and if we endure a little longer, he'll have something bigger and better for us in store if we're willing to take that leap of faith.

It's hard. I know how hard it is. It can be crushing, but if we hold on to our faith, and not only endure, but endure well, we can go where the Lord wants us to go. 

Have heart, all is well. 

Welcome 2015 & Recap on 2014

2014 was a year of growth, patience, and answers to prayers. Thank you for a good year, I am now prepared for the great year I know 2015 is going to be!

How about a recap of 2014?
*WARNING* Picture overload :)

January

Land of the "Free": Home of the Slaves

This is not going to be a lighthearted post; it is going to be a passionate rant about things I feel very strongly about. (Which is dumb on my part because I allow myself to get so sensitive about it; to be vulnerable to others and start fights; something I'm ashamed to say that I'm good at.) 

I don't ever remember my parents liking each other, or seeing eye-to-eye, except on one thing: the only thing I remember them being unified in teaching us was to not take our Freedom for granted and to love our Country. I am a Patriot through and through, I am proud to say that I am a citizen of the United States of America. Because of this, I feel sick. I am sickened that this once United country is now anything but that. Our government, and everything run/in control by the government is corrupt: health care, social security, the FDA, education system, gas prices, taxes, etc., I'm sure you can keep stock piling on the list. I am sickened by the people of this nation; so many just don't care; that makes them just as bad as the people who run this country who know exactly what they are doing.

We originally fled England because we were being smothered by a tyrant who starved our ancestors by robbing them blind with taxes, telling them who they can and can not worship, and had ridiculous control over their lives. We came here to practice FREEDOM. Freedom to worship how we please with out being persecuted, to the right to own land, to thrive, to LIVE. What happened?! The LDS church is the only church that has been persecuted in this country; the same country that our ancestors came to to practice religious freedom. Today Religion and State have to be separated to avoid 'offending' anyone. People in this country are told to take their U.S. flags down because it could be offensive to Muslims!? We came here to be free, we're obviously going to offend others! Take this scene from 1776 for example: June 28, 1776, Hancock asks if there are any alterations to be offered to the Declaration of Independence, leading many delegates to voice suggestions. Jefferson acquiesces to each recommendation, much to Adams's consternation, until Dickinson demands the removal of a phrase calling the King a tyrant. Jefferson refuses, stating that "the King is a tyrant whether we say so or not. We might as well say so." When Thomson comments that he has already scratched the word out, Jefferson orders him to "scratch it back in." An exasperated Adams exclaims "This is a revolution, damn it! We're going to have to offend somebody!" Where has our gumption gone? Our Founding Fathers knew what the right thing to do, was. Most of them paid for that decision with their lives. Blood had to be spilled to be where are today, and I'm sure not many of us are willing to do something like that today although we are, or at least should be grateful for their sacrifice. We (meaning most Americans) have become such a selfish people. We want what we want and we don't care what other people know or have been through; whether or not it had an affect on your life. 

We've become slaves to the system; how are we truly free? This country has been in debt since minute one. Our government has taught us it's OK to be in debt. When did we become such followers? We do what everyone else is doing. We take so much for granted, it's sad.  

Have you seen the movie Book of Eli with Denzel Washington in it? It's a post apocalyptic world where a lot of people do horrible things to survive. People would kill other people, survivors, for a book, for some water, for shampoo. Little things we take for granted today, will be the things people will kill for tomorrow. When did we lose being grateful for what we have? Being simple? Living frugally? There's better things in life than having the newest and best "thing", it's just that: a thing, something that'll you'll most likely throw away, sell, hate, destroy, etc. It can't come with us when we die... what's the point?

We've become slaves to so many things: food, sleep, technology, porn, alcohol, drugs, money, sex, power... and we have to "up one" people on a lot of these things, too. When does it end? Just because "everyone is doing it" it doesn't make it ok.

• We'd rather have a date with a computer/phone/TV/gaming console than a real person. 
• We'd rather sleep around and be "cool" to get a higher number... OOPS! Did someone just get an STD? Not so "cool" anymore, are you? Or we'd rather get so addicted to porn that we can't have an actual physical relationship with a real person (and YES! That really happens!). Did you know, a lot of violent behavior co-exists with people with porn addictions? Now you do. 
• We'd rather drown ourselves in our problems with alcohol instead of manning up and facing them. Or we've made ourselves believe we "can't" have fun without alcohol being involved.... SO far from the truth! One of my favorite things ever is to throw a party, invite my friends that drink (letting them know in advance there will be no alcohol allowed) and having them come to the party dreading because it will be "boring"; they end up leaving saying along the lines of, "That's the most fun I've had sober in a long time!" Proven. Wrong. 
• We'd rather eat crappy food and be lazy, develop health issues and take drugs to "cure" our problems when all they do is create more problems. All we're doing is making a lot of corrupt people a LOT of money by keeping ourselves sick and treating the symptom, not the problem. Also, because of drugs, we've become more selfish. So many people have problems and can't hold jobs and pan handle. We've also created programs that enable these people so they don't ever get better. Because of these situations, we don't help people anymore.

All in the name of doing what everyone else is doing.... good grief!

Immigration. I'm surprised people want to come here still. Oh wait! We have e terrible President who is welcoming immigrants with open arms for more support. THAT'S why. I was torn on this issue for a long time.... That is until I saw a video that changed my mind forever on this topic.


If you have 6 minutes.... I HIGHLY suggest watching this video! It is easy to understand and very powerful.



Gay marriage: My views on this are simple: This has always been my belief system regarding this issue, why are we telling gay people "No" to marriage when straight people don't want to? Someone has to fight for marriage! *** I DO, however, believe marriage is a sacred bond between man and woman, but everyone is entitled to rights and free agency. If any of my LGTB friends were to get married, I'd want to be there for them. Force is Satan's way, Love is God's way.

In the end, I guess I'd like to bear my testimony.

55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Heavenly Father has a plan, and we need to trust him and trust his plan for us.

He knows all which is why things in the Church don't change. There is reason why the Word of Wisdom was implemented before there was a global problem with addictions to tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, etc.
There's a reason why sex is to be saved for marriage.


Let him tell you about it.

If we follow God's guidance and commandments, we will live a much happier life. It's not restrictive, it's freedom. An alcoholic gets sick and is a slave to medication just to be alive, but it's not a life. Avoiding it altogether and being healthy is how you can have a happy life that you can live. Most of what people view as "restrictive" is actually liberating. The rest is to allow us to be the best person we can be and to put others before ourselves. We can't help others if we're not healthy/happy ourselves. We go through the trials we do to gain empathy in order to help others.
Let's love and support each other. Let's help and lift one another when we see someone down. Let's give others the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to conclusions and judging. Judging another says a lot more about you (your character) than it does about the other person. We don't like to be judged, so don't do it to other people. (I include gossip on this, as well.) Let's give up some vices because we can't become heroes without some sacrifices.

Spread love, not hate.