January Again

Here it is, 1:15 AM and my mind is racing with what the rest of this year has in store for me. I am having something seemingly insignificant happening to me tomorrow, but it has the potential to change everything; and I’m terrified. I haven’t felt this fear in years. Last time I did, I realized I was married to a man who did not care about me or my well being, who forced me into isolation from those I loved, and I was told I may never have children: it was the end of my marriage and the beginning of my venture with PCOS.

I have previously mentioned that I am starting a PCOS study, which is the sum of both my fear and excitement. PCOS, untreated, is basically a mood disorder - among other things. I was untreated for over a year and during that time, I felt psychotic. Part of it was because of my marriage, but I also wonder if it (the PCOS) was caused by my marriage. When untreated, your hormones are significantly imbalanced, which affects emotions, and the emotions emitted are usually negative. Because I had no other options, I opted to take the route that would most regulate me hormonally and emotionally: birth control. Or as my Grandma so lovingly called it, hormone replacement therapy, which really was the true intent of the birth control.

Once regulated, it felt like a night and day difference in my emotions and how I felt about myself. Since then, I have not been suicidal and I have not felt crazy. Though it felt like I was keeping a secret, and in ways, I was. I love that I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in over 3 years, but I also hate it as well. It’s not normal to not have a cycle, and in it’s own way, it’s made me feel a little broken as a female. Additionally, I’ve been afraid for men to find out that I’m “on the pill” because I didn’t want the wrong guy on a date to think he could get away with rape because I can’t get pregnant.

*Take a moment to let that sink in*

To clarify a little bit, I am not actually “on the pill”, I have what is called ‘Nexplanon’.

It is a little implant that goes in my arm. The one that I’ve used is good for 3 years. Currently, I am 7 months into my second one. Tomorrow, I am getting it removed. It is a minor procedure. I am terrified because I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in almost 4 years, I have no idea how my body is going to respond to that. I’m afraid of going back to the Ashley I knew 4 years ago who felt crazy; I don’t know if I am going to lose some of the ‘me’ I am today. I don’t want to go back to that, I was a mess. A bit skinnier back then, but a mess.

I. Am. Scared. I know that things could go downhill. BUT, I also know I can never potentially change for the better without doing this, either. The study may be a success, I might lose some of the burdening weight (both physically and emotionally) that I’ve been carrying the last 4 years. So really, the biggest fear is the unknown.

STORY TIME: In the past, my aura has been described to be like an iron maiden, like from medieval times, but with a twist. Traditionally, it is a torture device used to kill someone.

Mine is a protective mechanism, rather than a torture device. You hear people talk about walls (fear of vulnerability) and needing to ‘tear them down’; well, I’m safely locked inside my iron maiden and the spikes are on the outside preventing anyone from getting close. Only I can let myself out, but I have to trust who I am opening up to, and I have serious trust issues.

This may seem unfair of me to ask for trust when I have difficulty extending it, but here I am asking: These next few weeks are going to be delicate and difficult for me getting my nexplanon removed, if I am easily frustrated, moody, grumpy, sad, depressed, anxious, etc., can you please be patient with me? I know on birth control that I am already a difficult person, without it, I may be more difficult. & if I am, please tell me that I am being irrational and I will try my best to see reason and come around. I realize for some of you, that I may be asking a lot, but I implore you, please seek to have patience with me. Please pray for me. Please be kind and encouraging. Please do not demean or belittle me. Please.

As I said above, I. Am. Scared. I know that things will go how they will supposed to go, according to God’s will. I am trying to have faith in Him, so please have faith in me. Goodnight.

Finished 2:19 am

Here’s to hoping I sleep well tonight.

Welcome! & Reprise

I figured since I'm on a journey to a new life, that I might as well start with a new blog, too. My old blog is my old life; though it's part of who I am, I don't want to drag it along with me wherever I go, so, here's to a new start!

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Sorry for the long hiatus everyone, but, it was necessary. Most of you know that my life started going down hill a year ago last December. 2013 has been anything but a kind year to me. Honestly, I'd say that I was seriously mentally unwell for about 9 months of this entire year. All my mental illnesses went from mild/moderate to severe, and I heavily considered suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I admitted myself to a psych ward for almost a week in the beginning of the year and that was a very.... educational and traumatizing experience. I left that place feeling terrified going back out into the world and with more prescriptions than I came in with. Through out the course of the year,  I learned I couldn't trust almost everyone I thought I was close to and I had to start again at ground 0 to build new friendships and relationships. I have been subject, over the course of my life to now, to every form of abuse. Basically ever since March, I've had extreme difficulty finding a descent a stable job. In July, I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, commonly known as P.C.O.S Depending on the severity of the disease, it can render some women completely infertile, and I don't know how severe I am and probably won't know until I want to get pregnant, which is now years away for me.  As you can see, I've had a horrible year.  

As I've had many low points this past year, I've had some high points as well. I am now on only one medication and it has nothing to do with mental illness. I happened to be blessed with a descent job about a month ago, and I love it! I had the opportunity to go to school this semester and I have loved my class! (I'm actually really bummed that the semester is over.) I gratefully never became homeless and hungry because of my wonderful mom and sister being there for me, no matter what, as true family members should be. I also had the opportunity to make one of my dreams come true; I got to work at Nightmare on 13th (a local haunted, haunted house), and be part of the Nightmare crew, but we like to call each other family. :) **as a side note; to get hired at Nightmare,  it's a 4 step audition process, and this was the hardest new hire year they had because so many nightmare veterans returned. So the fact that I got a part there was nothing short of amazing!** Through out the year, I've had a few extremely kind and giving men, that were either complete strangers to me or distant acquaintances, just give me money, and we're not talking 20 dollar bills, either. I've had other kind people fill my gas tank, give me food for my animals when I ran out, and give me gift cards as well. I know I'm missing a few others simply because I'm choosing to not mention them because they are personal to me or they temporarily slipped my mind, but, you get the picture! I've been on the receiving end of great charity and service that I will not forget. Through out my humble circumstances, I feel incredibly blessed, loved, and fortunate in my life. There are some days I forget, but, I'm human; I'm definitely more grateful than not. I happened to also have the opportunity again to work with a man I truly love and admire: Marshall McDonald. If you don't know who he is, I'd suggest you Google and YouTube him right now! He is currently the choir director at the Taylorsville Institute at SLCC's Redwood Campus. He has a day (audition) choir and a night (anyone) choir. I got to be in the day choir for a 3rd time (I've been in this choir on and off for 5 ish years). I had had promptings all year long that I needed to 'seek healing through music', and choir was an answer to prayer. Not only did I have amazing experiences, like meeting/singing for General Authorities in person, I got to meet amazing people. People who I am proud to call my friends. This semester has quite literally changed my life! My circumstances are basically the same, but my outlook has changed because I allowed the Gospel and goodness back in my life. I've been called to seek forgiveness and as of right now, it is currently the biggest challenge I'm working through. If I can walk through hell and come out with no visible damage, and still be able to testify of the Truth and Beauty of the Gospel, then you can do it, too! Remember, Heavenly Father loves you.