Checking things off the list.

This 'list' has been a light of hope for me and a way of measuring how far I've come. I see it almost every day. I have already come such a long way, but I still have quite a ways to go. I wouldn't necessarily say these are things I can check off and walk away from, these are some things I have done and need to continue to do. I've been rediscovering who I am for awhile, and between going to the Temple, to Church, Institute, etc., I'm almost always in Holy Places. Heavenly Father and I do have a closer relationship; I've definitely felt Spiritual arms embrace me, more than once, during the many times I've been down on my knees pleading for guidance when I lost my way, sobbing when I couldn't endure anymore pain, or for some kind of light when I had given up all hope and felt forever lost in darkness from loneliness. I'm pretty sure he still shakes his head and facepalms when he watches me though, but I'm human, right? 

I know I should go to counseling, I'm just not sure why I am avoiding it. There are people I'd like to forgive and seek forgiveness from, but feelings in this area are not mutual, so I need to find closure through other means. I'm still angry and that is something that could also be worked through in counseling. It may also come in handy in the dating department, too. I've been on one date, but all that has done is break the ice; dating still makes me very uneasy. I need to learn to trust guys (for potential close/intimate relationships) again. Most guys are looking for someone to get serious with and all I'm looking for is 2 dates TOPS from the same person. Plus it seems like everyone around me is 18 - 23, and that's been hard to get used to. It's not my intentions, but I'm sure I'll hurt some hearts and some feelings along the way.... I just got out of a committed relationship, and I'm in no rush to get back into another one. 

The road to recovery from a trauma like divorce is long and hard; I'd like to think I'm doing OK. There are many roads before me and I just hope I find the path to happiness that is right for me. 

Hope things are well with you! I'm just now starting to get back on top of my finances, which have been a complete and utter nightmare.... *shudder*. I still enjoy my job, and I'm looking forward to July for many reasons! 

Don't be a stranger!

Enjoy your summer!

Big Changes Coming

Sorry I haven't posted in a while; since I get paid to sit in front of a computer 40 hours a week, I have a hard time coming home and jumping on mine. Plus my phone is so convenient that I'm on my computer only a handful of times a month. 

Anyway, guess what? The divorce finally finalized! We were officially separated May 17th of 2013, and everything was filed and finalized on the 13th of May this year. A WHOLE year.... one of the worst years of my life, I'll tell you that much. I thought there would be more of a relief, but things almost feel the same, even though they are different. It's strange being officially single again, I have mixed feelings about it. I have no desire to date really, at all. I'm not even in places where I can even meet people anyway, so I don't know how I'm going to even meet guys TO date; but that's where some changes are coming. I'm going to start going to a Single's Ward again next week, and I'm not super stoked about it, I'm not a fan of singles wards.... bleh! Meat markets... that's how I view 'em. But, I need to get out there somehow to meet people; guys to date, girls to friend (Hopefully... I still don't have many friends. That's honestly been the most lonely aspect of the past year.), and to put myself out there; I've become such a recluse. 

I've been trying to go to the Temple every week. It's been an awesome yet extremely difficult goal. All around, I'm better to get along with when I go, and when I don't go, well, I'm not so fun. But when I do go every week, I seem to be guaranteed a bad day every week; especially the day after. Satan tries so hard to keep me miserable, and I keep trying to not be miserable. That's one thing that has been extremely apparent to me over the past year: seeing God's hand in my life, and seeing Satan intervene. 

I feel I've been harder to get along with lately because I feel everything is starting to come to the surface; as I said on FB the other day, "A fever spikes before it breaks. The night is darkest before the dawn. Our burdens are heaviest before they lighten. I can do this!" I'm incredibly insecure, I don't trust hardly anyone, I'm making slow progress which frustrates me and I don't have patience for myself, let alone others. The mourning process is long and drawn out and I'm still healing. I'm difficult, I'm intense, I'm aware that I push people away, and I just want some understanding from others. I've had little to no support dealing with this whole ordeal and going it alone has been hard. So naturally, it's going to take more time. 

I'm trying to do things I've always wanted to do so I can feel like I'm still keeping my dreams alive. I'm planning on auditioning for Mo Tab (Tabernacle Choir) this summer. Music has quite literally been my saving grace this past year and I can't think of a better way to pay forward blessings to others. I've also gone out of my way to listen to more uplifting music. It was a hard transition, but can honestly say it's made a big difference! Though I do have days where I succumb and listen to my metal. :D 

 This summer, I'd like to go camping, hunting, and fishing. These are things I love and have not done in years and I MISS it. I turn 26 this summer as well.... that I am NOT so excited about. I hate that I'm officially in my late 20's now.... that seems so "old" to be starting over in Utah.... I just have got to have a better birthday than I did last year, it sucked. 

I've had more hospital (ER) visits than I'd like in the past year, so I'm trying to be as healthy as I can.

I will end this post with some recent highlights: I've officially owned Ginny for a year! We've both grown a lot, but, I feel she's done better than me. She's been hard, but, I needed something to give more attention to than myself and I think we've both learned from each other in our time together. Also, I got myself a new-to-me car. I don't do much for myself or care for myself as much as I do my animals (They are spoiled! Well, as much as I would consider me spoiling them..), so I did this for me. I wanted a clean slate with many things since the split; a new number, phone, so a car seemed like an eventual decision as well. I also went to Comic Con all by myself and it was AWESOME!

Here's some pictures!

Proof of Divorce. YAY!

The kids approve of mom's new ride. 

Meeting James Marstars was a big and exciting moment for me!

Nathan Fillion (Castle/Firefly)

R2! I've been told he's the Star Wars character I'd be. 

I LOVED seeing Master Chief! 

Ginny and I from a year ago, don't we look terrible?

An updated picture of everybody! (Kind of)

Hope this was a decent 'quick' update. Oh, and I'm sure you can tell what my favorite outfit is right now! ;)

Until next time.

Welcome! & Reprise

I figured since I'm on a journey to a new life, that I might as well start with a new blog, too. My old blog is my old life; though it's part of who I am, I don't want to drag it along with me wherever I go, so, here's to a new start!

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Sorry for the long hiatus everyone, but, it was necessary. Most of you know that my life started going down hill a year ago last December. 2013 has been anything but a kind year to me. Honestly, I'd say that I was seriously mentally unwell for about 9 months of this entire year. All my mental illnesses went from mild/moderate to severe, and I heavily considered suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I admitted myself to a psych ward for almost a week in the beginning of the year and that was a very.... educational and traumatizing experience. I left that place feeling terrified going back out into the world and with more prescriptions than I came in with. Through out the course of the year,  I learned I couldn't trust almost everyone I thought I was close to and I had to start again at ground 0 to build new friendships and relationships. I have been subject, over the course of my life to now, to every form of abuse. Basically ever since March, I've had extreme difficulty finding a descent a stable job. In July, I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, commonly known as P.C.O.S Depending on the severity of the disease, it can render some women completely infertile, and I don't know how severe I am and probably won't know until I want to get pregnant, which is now years away for me.  As you can see, I've had a horrible year.  

As I've had many low points this past year, I've had some high points as well. I am now on only one medication and it has nothing to do with mental illness. I happened to be blessed with a descent job about a month ago, and I love it! I had the opportunity to go to school this semester and I have loved my class! (I'm actually really bummed that the semester is over.) I gratefully never became homeless and hungry because of my wonderful mom and sister being there for me, no matter what, as true family members should be. I also had the opportunity to make one of my dreams come true; I got to work at Nightmare on 13th (a local haunted, haunted house), and be part of the Nightmare crew, but we like to call each other family. :) **as a side note; to get hired at Nightmare,  it's a 4 step audition process, and this was the hardest new hire year they had because so many nightmare veterans returned. So the fact that I got a part there was nothing short of amazing!** Through out the year, I've had a few extremely kind and giving men, that were either complete strangers to me or distant acquaintances, just give me money, and we're not talking 20 dollar bills, either. I've had other kind people fill my gas tank, give me food for my animals when I ran out, and give me gift cards as well. I know I'm missing a few others simply because I'm choosing to not mention them because they are personal to me or they temporarily slipped my mind, but, you get the picture! I've been on the receiving end of great charity and service that I will not forget. Through out my humble circumstances, I feel incredibly blessed, loved, and fortunate in my life. There are some days I forget, but, I'm human; I'm definitely more grateful than not. I happened to also have the opportunity again to work with a man I truly love and admire: Marshall McDonald. If you don't know who he is, I'd suggest you Google and YouTube him right now! He is currently the choir director at the Taylorsville Institute at SLCC's Redwood Campus. He has a day (audition) choir and a night (anyone) choir. I got to be in the day choir for a 3rd time (I've been in this choir on and off for 5 ish years). I had had promptings all year long that I needed to 'seek healing through music', and choir was an answer to prayer. Not only did I have amazing experiences, like meeting/singing for General Authorities in person, I got to meet amazing people. People who I am proud to call my friends. This semester has quite literally changed my life! My circumstances are basically the same, but my outlook has changed because I allowed the Gospel and goodness back in my life. I've been called to seek forgiveness and as of right now, it is currently the biggest challenge I'm working through. If I can walk through hell and come out with no visible damage, and still be able to testify of the Truth and Beauty of the Gospel, then you can do it, too! Remember, Heavenly Father loves you.