Welcome 2015 & Recap on 2014

2014 was a year of growth, patience, and answers to prayers. Thank you for a good year, I am now prepared for the great year I know 2015 is going to be!

How about a recap of 2014?
*WARNING* Picture overload :)

January

What is a man?

It seems like genuinely good and kind men seem to be fewer and far between nowadays. Guys today appear to want to hold on to their childhood and play all the time. Where are the guys that want to grow up and commit to a woman and cleave to her the rest of their lives? Have a family? Leave the games, partying, and single life behind. We all have our teenage years and early 20s to get this out of systems. 

We supposedly live in a time where it's 'acceptable' for women to pursue men, but it sure doesn't seem that way. There have been a handful of times where I went after a guy and all it did was drive them away, whats a girl to do? Dating seems so daunting because I feel like I'm surrounded by guys who want nothing to do with a divorced woman. Guys my age seem to not exist, either. I already know I have to be OK with dating guys a few years younger than me or guys several years older than me, and I was not easily accepting of this. I also know that dating other divorced men is a possibility as well as them possibly having children, which makes me nervous. The thought of possibly being a step parent slightly terrifies me as I have not had the best step parent experiences in my life.

I guess the better question to ask is, what is a man, to me. I know what I want in a future mate, if it is meant to be anyway. I want a MAN who is unfailingly kind, who would never speak ill of those around him, who looks for the good in others and is humble, not selfish. Who honors honesty and loyalty as much as I do. Someone whose heart, mind, and soul is centered on Christ, who truly loves and honors their ability as an active exerciser and holder of the Priesthood, and loves me as much as they love the Gospel. Lastly, I want someone who is incredibly patient, because heaven knows I'm not! I know I'm a hand full and I need someone willing to put up with/be able to handle me because I'm not easy to deal with. Forgiveness kinda goes hand-in-hand with patience, right? They need to be a good forgiver, too.
No, this does not mean I'm ready to pursue a serious relationship, not right now anyway. I've just learned a lot about myself and my expectations in others over the last couple years. Plus, I already have this adorable duo in my life, I don't need a guy, right? ;)

 *sigh* I love them! D'artagnan is my "boy", my cuddle buddy and Gizmo is my "man", my rock. He has been for years. He's been there for me when no one else has, and yet I know he will not be with me forever. I need someone who will be my rock, who will be by my side no matter what. I believe we've all grown up learning family is, or at least is supposed to be, important. Family is important, but, things change. While I'd like to be with someone who is a family person, letting go of your family you grew up with (to an extent) is part of having your own family; they take precedence. I need to come first, and I want to feel like I am put first. I need to know he has my back. Sometimes the people that your spouse needs to defend you from, is either yours or his family, and trust that they will stand up for you. I hope to find someone respectful, understanding, and supportive of certain aspects of what makes me, me. I'm a hot head. I'm passionate about the things I love as well as things I take very seriously (like politics for example). My words are a great asset as well as a curse for me. When I get excited or upset, sometimes I need to take a step back and breathe for a minute. I need someone who can honor that. (Seriously, or I'll bite your head off.) I am fully aware that my love for horror and the macabre can be overwhelming. I need someone who can put up with it... I understand that the likelihood of me finding someone who loves creepy crap as much as I do, is basically slim to none; so to find someone who can tolerate that part of me is HUGE. Haunted houses and scary movies are my thing. Some people like cliff diving or roller coasters for their adrenaline rush, this is mine. It's also a way for me to release negative emotions and stress. My pets are the only creatures that keep me sane. Someone else who is as equally obsessed with animals as I am is more than welcome! But I somehow manage to be attracted to those who have cat and/or dog allergies, this is no bueno. I can't not have a dog in my life. Yes, I'm a dog person, but I still love cats, too. As important as it is for animals to be in my life is, the one interest that is most important to me, is music. Music has been such a blessing in my life, and I can't think of anything more beautiful than creating music and blessing the lives of others with someone that I'd be sealed to for time and all eternity. I'd love it if they were a singer, but being able to play the piano or another classical instrument (which TOTALLY makes me melt) would be more than welcome as well. I think the last thing that I would enjoy in a future spouse, is someone who makes me laugh. I've dealt with many hard and serious things in my life already and I'd like to spend the rest of my life laughing!

Overall, I want all around genuinely good and kind men in my life. I have some great examples in my life of what these men should be like, and I'm going to keep my standards high, even for friends. For who our friends are, are who we date, and who we date is who we marry, and who we marry become a parent to your children. I want an amazing Priesthood holder who can fill each of these roles and be blessing to more than just myself.

Checking things off the list.

This 'list' has been a light of hope for me and a way of measuring how far I've come. I see it almost every day. I have already come such a long way, but I still have quite a ways to go. I wouldn't necessarily say these are things I can check off and walk away from, these are some things I have done and need to continue to do. I've been rediscovering who I am for awhile, and between going to the Temple, to Church, Institute, etc., I'm almost always in Holy Places. Heavenly Father and I do have a closer relationship; I've definitely felt Spiritual arms embrace me, more than once, during the many times I've been down on my knees pleading for guidance when I lost my way, sobbing when I couldn't endure anymore pain, or for some kind of light when I had given up all hope and felt forever lost in darkness from loneliness. I'm pretty sure he still shakes his head and facepalms when he watches me though, but I'm human, right? 

I know I should go to counseling, I'm just not sure why I am avoiding it. There are people I'd like to forgive and seek forgiveness from, but feelings in this area are not mutual, so I need to find closure through other means. I'm still angry and that is something that could also be worked through in counseling. It may also come in handy in the dating department, too. I've been on one date, but all that has done is break the ice; dating still makes me very uneasy. I need to learn to trust guys (for potential close/intimate relationships) again. Most guys are looking for someone to get serious with and all I'm looking for is 2 dates TOPS from the same person. Plus it seems like everyone around me is 18 - 23, and that's been hard to get used to. It's not my intentions, but I'm sure I'll hurt some hearts and some feelings along the way.... I just got out of a committed relationship, and I'm in no rush to get back into another one. 

The road to recovery from a trauma like divorce is long and hard; I'd like to think I'm doing OK. There are many roads before me and I just hope I find the path to happiness that is right for me. 

Hope things are well with you! I'm just now starting to get back on top of my finances, which have been a complete and utter nightmare.... *shudder*. I still enjoy my job, and I'm looking forward to July for many reasons! 

Don't be a stranger!

Enjoy your summer!

Big Changes Coming

Sorry I haven't posted in a while; since I get paid to sit in front of a computer 40 hours a week, I have a hard time coming home and jumping on mine. Plus my phone is so convenient that I'm on my computer only a handful of times a month. 

Anyway, guess what? The divorce finally finalized! We were officially separated May 17th of 2013, and everything was filed and finalized on the 13th of May this year. A WHOLE year.... one of the worst years of my life, I'll tell you that much. I thought there would be more of a relief, but things almost feel the same, even though they are different. It's strange being officially single again, I have mixed feelings about it. I have no desire to date really, at all. I'm not even in places where I can even meet people anyway, so I don't know how I'm going to even meet guys TO date; but that's where some changes are coming. I'm going to start going to a Single's Ward again next week, and I'm not super stoked about it, I'm not a fan of singles wards.... bleh! Meat markets... that's how I view 'em. But, I need to get out there somehow to meet people; guys to date, girls to friend (Hopefully... I still don't have many friends. That's honestly been the most lonely aspect of the past year.), and to put myself out there; I've become such a recluse. 

I've been trying to go to the Temple every week. It's been an awesome yet extremely difficult goal. All around, I'm better to get along with when I go, and when I don't go, well, I'm not so fun. But when I do go every week, I seem to be guaranteed a bad day every week; especially the day after. Satan tries so hard to keep me miserable, and I keep trying to not be miserable. That's one thing that has been extremely apparent to me over the past year: seeing God's hand in my life, and seeing Satan intervene. 

I feel I've been harder to get along with lately because I feel everything is starting to come to the surface; as I said on FB the other day, "A fever spikes before it breaks. The night is darkest before the dawn. Our burdens are heaviest before they lighten. I can do this!" I'm incredibly insecure, I don't trust hardly anyone, I'm making slow progress which frustrates me and I don't have patience for myself, let alone others. The mourning process is long and drawn out and I'm still healing. I'm difficult, I'm intense, I'm aware that I push people away, and I just want some understanding from others. I've had little to no support dealing with this whole ordeal and going it alone has been hard. So naturally, it's going to take more time. 

I'm trying to do things I've always wanted to do so I can feel like I'm still keeping my dreams alive. I'm planning on auditioning for Mo Tab (Tabernacle Choir) this summer. Music has quite literally been my saving grace this past year and I can't think of a better way to pay forward blessings to others. I've also gone out of my way to listen to more uplifting music. It was a hard transition, but can honestly say it's made a big difference! Though I do have days where I succumb and listen to my metal. :D 

 This summer, I'd like to go camping, hunting, and fishing. These are things I love and have not done in years and I MISS it. I turn 26 this summer as well.... that I am NOT so excited about. I hate that I'm officially in my late 20's now.... that seems so "old" to be starting over in Utah.... I just have got to have a better birthday than I did last year, it sucked. 

I've had more hospital (ER) visits than I'd like in the past year, so I'm trying to be as healthy as I can.

I will end this post with some recent highlights: I've officially owned Ginny for a year! We've both grown a lot, but, I feel she's done better than me. She's been hard, but, I needed something to give more attention to than myself and I think we've both learned from each other in our time together. Also, I got myself a new-to-me car. I don't do much for myself or care for myself as much as I do my animals (They are spoiled! Well, as much as I would consider me spoiling them..), so I did this for me. I wanted a clean slate with many things since the split; a new number, phone, so a car seemed like an eventual decision as well. I also went to Comic Con all by myself and it was AWESOME!

Here's some pictures!

Proof of Divorce. YAY!

The kids approve of mom's new ride. 

Meeting James Marstars was a big and exciting moment for me!

Nathan Fillion (Castle/Firefly)

R2! I've been told he's the Star Wars character I'd be. 

I LOVED seeing Master Chief! 

Ginny and I from a year ago, don't we look terrible?

An updated picture of everybody! (Kind of)

Hope this was a decent 'quick' update. Oh, and I'm sure you can tell what my favorite outfit is right now! ;)

Until next time.