Have Faith & Endure Well.

Wow, I haven't written on here for a year. I have started many posts, but they are all saved as drafts and haven't seen the light of day. Ever since I launched my other blog 6 months ago, this one has gone on the back burner.
Reading my last post from a year ago, I remember my hopes, I remember the fog of happiness I was in, and in a way, I felt invincible. Unfortunately, 2015 did not have a happy ending, I experienced a lot of loss. My grandpa and step-dad died, Ginny was viciously attacked by another dog - I was traumatized for months, I felt abandoned by the friends I felt I had such close relationships with, and breaking up with the wonderful boyfriend I had was heart breaking.

{The quick version of the story: We got to the point where we started talking about marriage, we prayed about it, and the answer was "No", so we broke up - it was rather difficult for both of us. However, we've been able to maintain a caring relationship for each other and that has been a great comfort.}

A majority of this happened over the summer and I spent the rest of the year unwillingly immersed in work - where I completely lost myself, again, and my depression came back. I started pushing a lot of people away because I'm tired of being hurt. Even today I don't like letting new people in. Dating is my most difficult obstacle, especially after the break up because he treated me the way I deserve to be treated and he understood me in a way no one else in my life ever has (so far); that "No" was devastating. Even though we followed through on that prompting, and did the 'right' thing, I didn't have as much faith in Heavenly Father as I thought I did; I'm actually just now realizing how angry I was and I cut myself off from him.... No wonder my last few months have been trying as I've been battling old habits and temptations.

I loved, I lost, and I learned.

Even though 2016 began with a rough start and I welcomed the new year alone, I can only hope that these changes are for the best and will lead to bigger and better things. This May will mark 3 years since my separation & when I rescued Ginny, and 2 years since the divorce finalized & I got my car. Ginny has been quite the roller coaster, but she has come so far and I couldn't be more proud of her. She was what I needed so I wouldn't dwell on my divorce; taking care of her helped me take care of me and that has been a huge blessing in my life. My car is still going strong and I still love it today just as much as the day I got it (seriously, Best. Car. Ever!). Having a car that has been dependable for all my needs has been a blessing, as well. For without the bad, we can't be as grateful for the good.

I know I have a divine purpose, and I know motherhood is part of that purpose. I hope things start making themselves known so I can start finding my place in life where work, education, and a family are concerned. I've received promptings and small personal revelations of what my future may look like, for the better, and for the worse. If I don't make some changes, I know I won't have the future that holds my beautiful daughter that I've seen in dreams and heard in quiet, spiritual moments. I long for that future. Tonight, in a symbolic way, I feel I received a warning. On the freeway, I pass this business & sign all the time; I'm sure a lot of you do, too.

I've always enjoyed passing the building as it consists of my initials + the G and have laughed at the idea of my future husband having a G last name. Tonight, the R and G flickered, as if Heavenly Father is letting me know that I am starting to run short on time. Me being scared of dating right now could be Satan's subtle way of keeping me away from that beautiful family that I yearn for. The guy Heavenly Father wants me to be with can't wait on me forever and if I take too long to be "ready", I'll miss that ship.

I guess the point of all this is, we need to have faith in the Lord. Holding yourself back holds other people back, too. He knows what's best for all of us, and if we endure a little longer, he'll have something bigger and better for us in store if we're willing to take that leap of faith.

It's hard. I know how hard it is. It can be crushing, but if we hold on to our faith, and not only endure, but endure well, we can go where the Lord wants us to go. 

Have heart, all is well. 

Welcome 2015 & Recap on 2014

2014 was a year of growth, patience, and answers to prayers. Thank you for a good year, I am now prepared for the great year I know 2015 is going to be!

How about a recap of 2014?
*WARNING* Picture overload :)

January

What is a man?

It seems like genuinely good and kind men seem to be fewer and far between nowadays. Guys today appear to want to hold on to their childhood and play all the time. Where are the guys that want to grow up and commit to a woman and cleave to her the rest of their lives? Have a family? Leave the games, partying, and single life behind. We all have our teenage years and early 20s to get this out of systems. 

We supposedly live in a time where it's 'acceptable' for women to pursue men, but it sure doesn't seem that way. There have been a handful of times where I went after a guy and all it did was drive them away, whats a girl to do? Dating seems so daunting because I feel like I'm surrounded by guys who want nothing to do with a divorced woman. Guys my age seem to not exist, either. I already know I have to be OK with dating guys a few years younger than me or guys several years older than me, and I was not easily accepting of this. I also know that dating other divorced men is a possibility as well as them possibly having children, which makes me nervous. The thought of possibly being a step parent slightly terrifies me as I have not had the best step parent experiences in my life.

I guess the better question to ask is, what is a man, to me. I know what I want in a future mate, if it is meant to be anyway. I want a MAN who is unfailingly kind, who would never speak ill of those around him, who looks for the good in others and is humble, not selfish. Who honors honesty and loyalty as much as I do. Someone whose heart, mind, and soul is centered on Christ, who truly loves and honors their ability as an active exerciser and holder of the Priesthood, and loves me as much as they love the Gospel. Lastly, I want someone who is incredibly patient, because heaven knows I'm not! I know I'm a hand full and I need someone willing to put up with/be able to handle me because I'm not easy to deal with. Forgiveness kinda goes hand-in-hand with patience, right? They need to be a good forgiver, too.
No, this does not mean I'm ready to pursue a serious relationship, not right now anyway. I've just learned a lot about myself and my expectations in others over the last couple years. Plus, I already have this adorable duo in my life, I don't need a guy, right? ;)

 *sigh* I love them! D'artagnan is my "boy", my cuddle buddy and Gizmo is my "man", my rock. He has been for years. He's been there for me when no one else has, and yet I know he will not be with me forever. I need someone who will be my rock, who will be by my side no matter what. I believe we've all grown up learning family is, or at least is supposed to be, important. Family is important, but, things change. While I'd like to be with someone who is a family person, letting go of your family you grew up with (to an extent) is part of having your own family; they take precedence. I need to come first, and I want to feel like I am put first. I need to know he has my back. Sometimes the people that your spouse needs to defend you from, is either yours or his family, and trust that they will stand up for you. I hope to find someone respectful, understanding, and supportive of certain aspects of what makes me, me. I'm a hot head. I'm passionate about the things I love as well as things I take very seriously (like politics for example). My words are a great asset as well as a curse for me. When I get excited or upset, sometimes I need to take a step back and breathe for a minute. I need someone who can honor that. (Seriously, or I'll bite your head off.) I am fully aware that my love for horror and the macabre can be overwhelming. I need someone who can put up with it... I understand that the likelihood of me finding someone who loves creepy crap as much as I do, is basically slim to none; so to find someone who can tolerate that part of me is HUGE. Haunted houses and scary movies are my thing. Some people like cliff diving or roller coasters for their adrenaline rush, this is mine. It's also a way for me to release negative emotions and stress. My pets are the only creatures that keep me sane. Someone else who is as equally obsessed with animals as I am is more than welcome! But I somehow manage to be attracted to those who have cat and/or dog allergies, this is no bueno. I can't not have a dog in my life. Yes, I'm a dog person, but I still love cats, too. As important as it is for animals to be in my life is, the one interest that is most important to me, is music. Music has been such a blessing in my life, and I can't think of anything more beautiful than creating music and blessing the lives of others with someone that I'd be sealed to for time and all eternity. I'd love it if they were a singer, but being able to play the piano or another classical instrument (which TOTALLY makes me melt) would be more than welcome as well. I think the last thing that I would enjoy in a future spouse, is someone who makes me laugh. I've dealt with many hard and serious things in my life already and I'd like to spend the rest of my life laughing!

Overall, I want all around genuinely good and kind men in my life. I have some great examples in my life of what these men should be like, and I'm going to keep my standards high, even for friends. For who our friends are, are who we date, and who we date is who we marry, and who we marry become a parent to your children. I want an amazing Priesthood holder who can fill each of these roles and be blessing to more than just myself.

Perfect Imperfection

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret..... To start off, I consider myself to be neither positive nor negative, I view myself as realistic. Given the fact that I am also human, I tend to sometimes have overall negativeness or positiveness at certain times. But I tell ya, people who are overly positive all the time, who appear to have a perfect life as if nothing can go wrong, drive. me. insane! A good chunk of it is I'm so used to things not going right in my life, that I handle rough situations better. When things are great, I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I'd almost rather attend a funeral than a wedding! 

This is part of the reason why I don't really read other peoples' blogs anymore. There were so many people I followed a few years ago that seemed to have everything together. I would envy them and their seemingly picture perfect life. I hated it. It's good to write about the good things, but it's good to write about struggles, too. No one grows from the good times. Let me also phrase it another way; have you ever read any of your parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc. journals? What made a better impression on you about their written legends? About how great the good times were? Most likely not. I bet it was how they pushed through and grew from a struggle they had in their life. Why can't we do that today? Appearing to have a "picture perfect life" gets boring after awhile. People become envious and then will want to avoid this person and their lifestyle. You struggle. I struggle. We all have trials at some point in our lives. We grow from those times. We're not perfect, not yet anyway! Why can't we share our imperfections with each other (in a tasteful manner)? We grew from those moments, maybe someone else could see your example and grow, too? If you knew it would help someone, you'd want to share it, right? Let's help each other! 

Talk "Lord, I Believe" by Jeffrey R Holland

Let's embrace our imperfections! Through them, we can become perfect! I am by no means encouraging purposeful bad behavior. I am simply inviting you to correct your misgivings as best you can, allowing it to make you a better person, and to allow others grow from your experiences. 

If it makes you feel any better, my animals are far from perfect! Ginny is rude, D'Artagnan is grumpy, and Gizmo can be a brat; he takes after me ;) Whatever you are going through, you can do it!

Land of the "Free": Home of the Slaves

This is not going to be a lighthearted post; it is going to be a passionate rant about things I feel very strongly about. (Which is dumb on my part because I allow myself to get so sensitive about it; to be vulnerable to others and start fights; something I'm ashamed to say that I'm good at.) 

I don't ever remember my parents liking each other, or seeing eye-to-eye, except on one thing: the only thing I remember them being unified in teaching us was to not take our Freedom for granted and to love our Country. I am a Patriot through and through, I am proud to say that I am a citizen of the United States of America. Because of this, I feel sick. I am sickened that this once United country is now anything but that. Our government, and everything run/in control by the government is corrupt: health care, social security, the FDA, education system, gas prices, taxes, etc., I'm sure you can keep stock piling on the list. I am sickened by the people of this nation; so many just don't care; that makes them just as bad as the people who run this country who know exactly what they are doing.

We originally fled England because we were being smothered by a tyrant who starved our ancestors by robbing them blind with taxes, telling them who they can and can not worship, and had ridiculous control over their lives. We came here to practice FREEDOM. Freedom to worship how we please with out being persecuted, to the right to own land, to thrive, to LIVE. What happened?! The LDS church is the only church that has been persecuted in this country; the same country that our ancestors came to to practice religious freedom. Today Religion and State have to be separated to avoid 'offending' anyone. People in this country are told to take their U.S. flags down because it could be offensive to Muslims!? We came here to be free, we're obviously going to offend others! Take this scene from 1776 for example: June 28, 1776, Hancock asks if there are any alterations to be offered to the Declaration of Independence, leading many delegates to voice suggestions. Jefferson acquiesces to each recommendation, much to Adams's consternation, until Dickinson demands the removal of a phrase calling the King a tyrant. Jefferson refuses, stating that "the King is a tyrant whether we say so or not. We might as well say so." When Thomson comments that he has already scratched the word out, Jefferson orders him to "scratch it back in." An exasperated Adams exclaims "This is a revolution, damn it! We're going to have to offend somebody!" Where has our gumption gone? Our Founding Fathers knew what the right thing to do, was. Most of them paid for that decision with their lives. Blood had to be spilled to be where are today, and I'm sure not many of us are willing to do something like that today although we are, or at least should be grateful for their sacrifice. We (meaning most Americans) have become such a selfish people. We want what we want and we don't care what other people know or have been through; whether or not it had an affect on your life. 

We've become slaves to the system; how are we truly free? This country has been in debt since minute one. Our government has taught us it's OK to be in debt. When did we become such followers? We do what everyone else is doing. We take so much for granted, it's sad.  

Have you seen the movie Book of Eli with Denzel Washington in it? It's a post apocalyptic world where a lot of people do horrible things to survive. People would kill other people, survivors, for a book, for some water, for shampoo. Little things we take for granted today, will be the things people will kill for tomorrow. When did we lose being grateful for what we have? Being simple? Living frugally? There's better things in life than having the newest and best "thing", it's just that: a thing, something that'll you'll most likely throw away, sell, hate, destroy, etc. It can't come with us when we die... what's the point?

We've become slaves to so many things: food, sleep, technology, porn, alcohol, drugs, money, sex, power... and we have to "up one" people on a lot of these things, too. When does it end? Just because "everyone is doing it" it doesn't make it ok.

• We'd rather have a date with a computer/phone/TV/gaming console than a real person. 
• We'd rather sleep around and be "cool" to get a higher number... OOPS! Did someone just get an STD? Not so "cool" anymore, are you? Or we'd rather get so addicted to porn that we can't have an actual physical relationship with a real person (and YES! That really happens!). Did you know, a lot of violent behavior co-exists with people with porn addictions? Now you do. 
• We'd rather drown ourselves in our problems with alcohol instead of manning up and facing them. Or we've made ourselves believe we "can't" have fun without alcohol being involved.... SO far from the truth! One of my favorite things ever is to throw a party, invite my friends that drink (letting them know in advance there will be no alcohol allowed) and having them come to the party dreading because it will be "boring"; they end up leaving saying along the lines of, "That's the most fun I've had sober in a long time!" Proven. Wrong. 
• We'd rather eat crappy food and be lazy, develop health issues and take drugs to "cure" our problems when all they do is create more problems. All we're doing is making a lot of corrupt people a LOT of money by keeping ourselves sick and treating the symptom, not the problem. Also, because of drugs, we've become more selfish. So many people have problems and can't hold jobs and pan handle. We've also created programs that enable these people so they don't ever get better. Because of these situations, we don't help people anymore.

All in the name of doing what everyone else is doing.... good grief!

Immigration. I'm surprised people want to come here still. Oh wait! We have e terrible President who is welcoming immigrants with open arms for more support. THAT'S why. I was torn on this issue for a long time.... That is until I saw a video that changed my mind forever on this topic.


If you have 6 minutes.... I HIGHLY suggest watching this video! It is easy to understand and very powerful.



Gay marriage: My views on this are simple: This has always been my belief system regarding this issue, why are we telling gay people "No" to marriage when straight people don't want to? Someone has to fight for marriage! *** I DO, however, believe marriage is a sacred bond between man and woman, but everyone is entitled to rights and free agency. If any of my LGTB friends were to get married, I'd want to be there for them. Force is Satan's way, Love is God's way.

In the end, I guess I'd like to bear my testimony.

55:9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Heavenly Father has a plan, and we need to trust him and trust his plan for us.

He knows all which is why things in the Church don't change. There is reason why the Word of Wisdom was implemented before there was a global problem with addictions to tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, etc.
There's a reason why sex is to be saved for marriage.


Let him tell you about it.

If we follow God's guidance and commandments, we will live a much happier life. It's not restrictive, it's freedom. An alcoholic gets sick and is a slave to medication just to be alive, but it's not a life. Avoiding it altogether and being healthy is how you can have a happy life that you can live. Most of what people view as "restrictive" is actually liberating. The rest is to allow us to be the best person we can be and to put others before ourselves. We can't help others if we're not healthy/happy ourselves. We go through the trials we do to gain empathy in order to help others.
Let's love and support each other. Let's help and lift one another when we see someone down. Let's give others the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to conclusions and judging. Judging another says a lot more about you (your character) than it does about the other person. We don't like to be judged, so don't do it to other people. (I include gossip on this, as well.) Let's give up some vices because we can't become heroes without some sacrifices.

Spread love, not hate.

Big Changes Coming

Sorry I haven't posted in a while; since I get paid to sit in front of a computer 40 hours a week, I have a hard time coming home and jumping on mine. Plus my phone is so convenient that I'm on my computer only a handful of times a month. 

Anyway, guess what? The divorce finally finalized! We were officially separated May 17th of 2013, and everything was filed and finalized on the 13th of May this year. A WHOLE year.... one of the worst years of my life, I'll tell you that much. I thought there would be more of a relief, but things almost feel the same, even though they are different. It's strange being officially single again, I have mixed feelings about it. I have no desire to date really, at all. I'm not even in places where I can even meet people anyway, so I don't know how I'm going to even meet guys TO date; but that's where some changes are coming. I'm going to start going to a Single's Ward again next week, and I'm not super stoked about it, I'm not a fan of singles wards.... bleh! Meat markets... that's how I view 'em. But, I need to get out there somehow to meet people; guys to date, girls to friend (Hopefully... I still don't have many friends. That's honestly been the most lonely aspect of the past year.), and to put myself out there; I've become such a recluse. 

I've been trying to go to the Temple every week. It's been an awesome yet extremely difficult goal. All around, I'm better to get along with when I go, and when I don't go, well, I'm not so fun. But when I do go every week, I seem to be guaranteed a bad day every week; especially the day after. Satan tries so hard to keep me miserable, and I keep trying to not be miserable. That's one thing that has been extremely apparent to me over the past year: seeing God's hand in my life, and seeing Satan intervene. 

I feel I've been harder to get along with lately because I feel everything is starting to come to the surface; as I said on FB the other day, "A fever spikes before it breaks. The night is darkest before the dawn. Our burdens are heaviest before they lighten. I can do this!" I'm incredibly insecure, I don't trust hardly anyone, I'm making slow progress which frustrates me and I don't have patience for myself, let alone others. The mourning process is long and drawn out and I'm still healing. I'm difficult, I'm intense, I'm aware that I push people away, and I just want some understanding from others. I've had little to no support dealing with this whole ordeal and going it alone has been hard. So naturally, it's going to take more time. 

I'm trying to do things I've always wanted to do so I can feel like I'm still keeping my dreams alive. I'm planning on auditioning for Mo Tab (Tabernacle Choir) this summer. Music has quite literally been my saving grace this past year and I can't think of a better way to pay forward blessings to others. I've also gone out of my way to listen to more uplifting music. It was a hard transition, but can honestly say it's made a big difference! Though I do have days where I succumb and listen to my metal. :D 

 This summer, I'd like to go camping, hunting, and fishing. These are things I love and have not done in years and I MISS it. I turn 26 this summer as well.... that I am NOT so excited about. I hate that I'm officially in my late 20's now.... that seems so "old" to be starting over in Utah.... I just have got to have a better birthday than I did last year, it sucked. 

I've had more hospital (ER) visits than I'd like in the past year, so I'm trying to be as healthy as I can.

I will end this post with some recent highlights: I've officially owned Ginny for a year! We've both grown a lot, but, I feel she's done better than me. She's been hard, but, I needed something to give more attention to than myself and I think we've both learned from each other in our time together. Also, I got myself a new-to-me car. I don't do much for myself or care for myself as much as I do my animals (They are spoiled! Well, as much as I would consider me spoiling them..), so I did this for me. I wanted a clean slate with many things since the split; a new number, phone, so a car seemed like an eventual decision as well. I also went to Comic Con all by myself and it was AWESOME!

Here's some pictures!

Proof of Divorce. YAY!

The kids approve of mom's new ride. 

Meeting James Marstars was a big and exciting moment for me!

Nathan Fillion (Castle/Firefly)

R2! I've been told he's the Star Wars character I'd be. 

I LOVED seeing Master Chief! 

Ginny and I from a year ago, don't we look terrible?

An updated picture of everybody! (Kind of)

Hope this was a decent 'quick' update. Oh, and I'm sure you can tell what my favorite outfit is right now! ;)

Until next time.

Welcome! & Reprise

I figured since I'm on a journey to a new life, that I might as well start with a new blog, too. My old blog is my old life; though it's part of who I am, I don't want to drag it along with me wherever I go, so, here's to a new start!

**********************************

Sorry for the long hiatus everyone, but, it was necessary. Most of you know that my life started going down hill a year ago last December. 2013 has been anything but a kind year to me. Honestly, I'd say that I was seriously mentally unwell for about 9 months of this entire year. All my mental illnesses went from mild/moderate to severe, and I heavily considered suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I admitted myself to a psych ward for almost a week in the beginning of the year and that was a very.... educational and traumatizing experience. I left that place feeling terrified going back out into the world and with more prescriptions than I came in with. Through out the course of the year,  I learned I couldn't trust almost everyone I thought I was close to and I had to start again at ground 0 to build new friendships and relationships. I have been subject, over the course of my life to now, to every form of abuse. Basically ever since March, I've had extreme difficulty finding a descent a stable job. In July, I got diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, commonly known as P.C.O.S Depending on the severity of the disease, it can render some women completely infertile, and I don't know how severe I am and probably won't know until I want to get pregnant, which is now years away for me.  As you can see, I've had a horrible year.  

As I've had many low points this past year, I've had some high points as well. I am now on only one medication and it has nothing to do with mental illness. I happened to be blessed with a descent job about a month ago, and I love it! I had the opportunity to go to school this semester and I have loved my class! (I'm actually really bummed that the semester is over.) I gratefully never became homeless and hungry because of my wonderful mom and sister being there for me, no matter what, as true family members should be. I also had the opportunity to make one of my dreams come true; I got to work at Nightmare on 13th (a local haunted, haunted house), and be part of the Nightmare crew, but we like to call each other family. :) **as a side note; to get hired at Nightmare,  it's a 4 step audition process, and this was the hardest new hire year they had because so many nightmare veterans returned. So the fact that I got a part there was nothing short of amazing!** Through out the year, I've had a few extremely kind and giving men, that were either complete strangers to me or distant acquaintances, just give me money, and we're not talking 20 dollar bills, either. I've had other kind people fill my gas tank, give me food for my animals when I ran out, and give me gift cards as well. I know I'm missing a few others simply because I'm choosing to not mention them because they are personal to me or they temporarily slipped my mind, but, you get the picture! I've been on the receiving end of great charity and service that I will not forget. Through out my humble circumstances, I feel incredibly blessed, loved, and fortunate in my life. There are some days I forget, but, I'm human; I'm definitely more grateful than not. I happened to also have the opportunity again to work with a man I truly love and admire: Marshall McDonald. If you don't know who he is, I'd suggest you Google and YouTube him right now! He is currently the choir director at the Taylorsville Institute at SLCC's Redwood Campus. He has a day (audition) choir and a night (anyone) choir. I got to be in the day choir for a 3rd time (I've been in this choir on and off for 5 ish years). I had had promptings all year long that I needed to 'seek healing through music', and choir was an answer to prayer. Not only did I have amazing experiences, like meeting/singing for General Authorities in person, I got to meet amazing people. People who I am proud to call my friends. This semester has quite literally changed my life! My circumstances are basically the same, but my outlook has changed because I allowed the Gospel and goodness back in my life. I've been called to seek forgiveness and as of right now, it is currently the biggest challenge I'm working through. If I can walk through hell and come out with no visible damage, and still be able to testify of the Truth and Beauty of the Gospel, then you can do it, too! Remember, Heavenly Father loves you.