January Again

Here it is, 1:15 AM and my mind is racing with what the rest of this year has in store for me. I am having something seemingly insignificant happening to me tomorrow, but it has the potential to change everything; and I’m terrified. I haven’t felt this fear in years. Last time I did, I realized I was married to a man who did not care about me or my well being, who forced me into isolation from those I loved, and I was told I may never have children: it was the end of my marriage and the beginning of my venture with PCOS.

I have previously mentioned that I am starting a PCOS study, which is the sum of both my fear and excitement. PCOS, untreated, is basically a mood disorder - among other things. I was untreated for over a year and during that time, I felt psychotic. Part of it was because of my marriage, but I also wonder if it (the PCOS) was caused by my marriage. When untreated, your hormones are significantly imbalanced, which affects emotions, and the emotions emitted are usually negative. Because I had no other options, I opted to take the route that would most regulate me hormonally and emotionally: birth control. Or as my Grandma so lovingly called it, hormone replacement therapy, which really was the true intent of the birth control.

Once regulated, it felt like a night and day difference in my emotions and how I felt about myself. Since then, I have not been suicidal and I have not felt crazy. Though it felt like I was keeping a secret, and in ways, I was. I love that I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in over 3 years, but I also hate it as well. It’s not normal to not have a cycle, and in it’s own way, it’s made me feel a little broken as a female. Additionally, I’ve been afraid for men to find out that I’m “on the pill” because I didn’t want the wrong guy on a date to think he could get away with rape because I can’t get pregnant.

*Take a moment to let that sink in*

To clarify a little bit, I am not actually “on the pill”, I have what is called ‘Nexplanon’.

It is a little implant that goes in my arm. The one that I’ve used is good for 3 years. Currently, I am 7 months into my second one. Tomorrow, I am getting it removed. It is a minor procedure. I am terrified because I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in almost 4 years, I have no idea how my body is going to respond to that. I’m afraid of going back to the Ashley I knew 4 years ago who felt crazy; I don’t know if I am going to lose some of the ‘me’ I am today. I don’t want to go back to that, I was a mess. A bit skinnier back then, but a mess.

I. Am. Scared. I know that things could go downhill. BUT, I also know I can never potentially change for the better without doing this, either. The study may be a success, I might lose some of the burdening weight (both physically and emotionally) that I’ve been carrying the last 4 years. So really, the biggest fear is the unknown.

STORY TIME: In the past, my aura has been described to be like an iron maiden, like from medieval times, but with a twist. Traditionally, it is a torture device used to kill someone.

Mine is a protective mechanism, rather than a torture device. You hear people talk about walls (fear of vulnerability) and needing to ‘tear them down’; well, I’m safely locked inside my iron maiden and the spikes are on the outside preventing anyone from getting close. Only I can let myself out, but I have to trust who I am opening up to, and I have serious trust issues.

This may seem unfair of me to ask for trust when I have difficulty extending it, but here I am asking: These next few weeks are going to be delicate and difficult for me getting my nexplanon removed, if I am easily frustrated, moody, grumpy, sad, depressed, anxious, etc., can you please be patient with me? I know on birth control that I am already a difficult person, without it, I may be more difficult. & if I am, please tell me that I am being irrational and I will try my best to see reason and come around. I realize for some of you, that I may be asking a lot, but I implore you, please seek to have patience with me. Please pray for me. Please be kind and encouraging. Please do not demean or belittle me. Please.

As I said above, I. Am. Scared. I know that things will go how they will supposed to go, according to God’s will. I am trying to have faith in Him, so please have faith in me. Goodnight.

Finished 2:19 am

Here’s to hoping I sleep well tonight.