Self Therapy

I am craving intellectual stimulation so badly right now. This is why I kept seeing my therapist, even after him having expressed thoughts of me no longer needed therapy. I'm well aware I no longer "need" therapy, but I liked feeling that I had an equal to express my thoughts and feelings to, a sound board if you will, especially when it came to philosophies, theories, and psychology. I know many don't expect a deeper side to me, but I do have one; I loved my philosophy class so much in college, I almost made it my major. Then I realized there is nothing I can do with a philosophy degree.
C'est la vie. 
I guess you can say I'm having a little bit of an identity crisis. I was bugged about a situation, I complained about said situation a little bit, and someone gave me some knowledge that I, at first, enjoyed as it was filled with intrigue. While mulling over this counsel, I realized it hit a nerve of an attribute of myself that I have held with high regard for quite some time, and now, I feel this poignant characteristic may also be the bane root of the aforementioned scenario: mutual interest in dating.
The attribute in question: masculinity (VS femininity). My personality has always been more predominately masculine. In previous conversations, you may have heard me say, 'I may look like a girl, but I don't think or act like one.' I've been described as 'one of the guys' and wore that badge with pride. I take satisfaction in not being like 'other women' as I am rather sexist against my own gender. Over the years, I've also been told by men that I'm 'intimidating' and they were too nervous to ask me out on a date when we were younger. I never put much thought into it as most guys who admitted this to me were never a romantic interest to me, anyway. I am very much attracted to large statures of intelligence, structure, spiritually, confidence, morality, work ethic, integrity..... you get the picture.
Now, having masculine qualities is not a bad thing, but too much in a woman, I'm finding, is not necessarily a good thing. I was forced into a more masculine role having to step up as a parent figure for my siblings, and a spouse figure for my mom because my dad was never around when I was a kid. After my parents divorce, I did all the 'man' jobs. I had no strong male role model in my life growing up, so I became one. Reflecting on my marriage, I'm sure I was emasculating to my ex-husband by not letting him be 'the man'.
From what I hear, men want a feminine woman who is soft, meek, nurturing, etc. I am not those things. I am rough, loud, opinionated, shameless, impulsive, obstinate, etc. You are what you attract, who wants to be with that? I don't. I now see why I struggle with mutual attraction; I want what I'm not.

*insert long, heart wrenching, stone cold, reality check here*

No wonder I don't enjoy dancing; I don't give a man the chance to lead, or take charge because I'm trying to take charge. I have some adjustments to make, and it's going to be a struggle, but hopefully the climb will be worth it.